Wednesday, May 04, 2005 :::
Hello Fellow Bloggers! How are you doing? I am well. School is almost over. I still have two final papers to write. I will be in FL next Tuesday. My summer classes begin on May 12. I will be a busy bee this entire summer, but I don't mind. I will be working towards my ultimate career goal and I am very happy about that. Now, to update you on TX guy, well what can I say. TX guy did not communicate with me for an entire week after I had returned to MA. Yes. I was very sad to have him confirm my fear of him no longer speaking to me. Throughout that time, I continued making attempts at communicating with him, but he would not reply at all. This was very upseting to me. Anyhow, when he finally sent me an e-mail, it stated that he no longer could engage in such type of relationship, and then gave me a "kiss-off" line, which read, "I wish you the best in life" and the he signed it "Love" and his name. I couldn't believe what he wrote because I interpreted it as a "goodbye, it was nice knowing you" short e-mail. I had given TX guy a choice within one of the communications that I had sent him, which was giving him the option to keep me as a friend or end our association completely. So you people must imagine how badly I felt to read that e-mail he had sent me. So I decided to call him at work. Yes, I blocked my number, just in case his workplace had caller ID. Thank God he answered and I greeted him and quickly asked him straight out, if such kiss off line meant that he no longer wished to be friends with me. TX guy answered "No, that's not what I meant. That's not what I was saying at all." To which I was relieved, yet confused AGAIN because he stated something in his e-mail, which not only me would have interpreted as a "kiss-off" line, but then verbally he stated something contradicting what he wrote. It sucks to be dealing with a man, who continuously gives contradictory statements because of his emotional confusion. Right now, we are back to communicating as we have always done in the past. Basically, we text message, e-mail each other and even phone each other and the subject matter is ALWAYS sex. I don't mind communicating with him even if it is only about sex. I know that eventually this will get old and boring for me and it will fade, but for now it will do. I have attempted to involve him in other topics specific to my life's current events, but he does not show interest nor is supportive, at least not over e-mail, or text messages. In person and maybe even over the phone, he would be most likely to engage in such conversation and express interest and support. TX guy is overly critical, which only depicts the level of self-criticism within him. Sometimes I feel that I can't share everything with him because he won't be supportive of me, instead I feel that he would most likely be judgmental and blame me for whatever issue I'm going through. I don't know what to do, in order to somewhat change the topic of our phone communications. Perhaps, I should call him at night and ask him about his day at work and then tell him about mine, and then end the conversation without discussing sex whatsoever. I could try to do that and see how it goes. Like once a week? I mean, I speak to my best friend almost everyday. We tell each other what we are going through and give each other advise. I know that boyfriends or partners usually are not this expressive towards their girlfriends or mates, or at least I haven't had any boyfriend or mate, who has acted in such way towards me. Does that really exist? Is that really possible within a relationship? Anyhow, perhaps TX guy and I are a loosing battle, a challenge that I aimed for because of its high level of difficulty. As you readers can tell, the pixie dust over my eyes and ears is diminishing and reality is crudely marching in. YES, nothing has change between he and I. But I can't complain because I told him that I wanted to keep him as a friend and practically begged him to continue communicating with me as he had always done so in the past. Now, that I have obtained the charity I asked him for, I am still not satisfied. Not surprising, right! I could fool him, but I can't fool myself. I still want more from him, but my reality proves that I won't be getting much more than our sexually explicit communications.
So in summation, my life as far as relationships go, is the pits. However, my educational life since it is something that I can control, is going great. I would love to have an equilibrium within these two aspects of my life, but I seem to never find a balance. Oh well, summer will have me so incredibly occupied that this whole issue with TX guy will soon REALLY become a thing from the past. Although, if he moves to FL AND seeks me during my time over there, then I will be in trouble because I won't be able to resist meeting up with him somewhere under the hot FL sun.
We'll see what summer 2005 has to offer me.
Quote of the day: Don't give up. Don't let anything stand in your way!
