Okay, yesterday afternoon M finally replied to the email I had sent him on Monday. I replied later on in the evening after I got back home from the mall. Should I have replied so soon instead of waiting several days to do so? I don't know. But I already did, so it's no use to dwell on the latter. Apparently his parents left back to CA yesterday. He told me he was going for an afternoon run and dinner with on of his best friends. He expressed his concerns over the past week's market rollercoaster, and his upcoming trip to CO. Anyways, I was pleased that he emailed me. I really was. Until this morning, when I decided to check his activity on his dating website. Until yesterday, the site displayed that it had been 3 weeks since his last loggin. This morning, I woke up with the sense of checking again, and unfortunately for me, as I feared, he had logged on. So what does that mean? It could mean many things that I am not willing to verify directly with him. For instance, he may be starting up his dating search again; or he may be just emptying out his inbox. Competition for a man in NYC is tight. By leaving for a month and a half, I basically pulled myself out of the competition. Was I kidding myself to think that three weekends of blissful dating would suffice into getting M to want to wait around 4 weeks for my return? He already spent a week of my time away with his parents. Too bad it wasn't for a longer period of time. The next week of distraction that he will spend will be at a conference in CO, where he will also be skiing. He works very hard, long hours. A thing that many in the financial sector have to deal with, and I didn't believe until I began getting to know M. These financial sector men work about 60 hours per week, if not more. They are not available for hanging out during the week unless it is in the late evening hours. With this being said, M told me that he doesn't usually go out during Monday through Thursday, mostly just Friday through Sunday. So there's 4 weekends at stake here, where he can go out with other women from the dating website. Plus, there is always the possibility of a persuassive cutie found on the site during my time of absentia, that may lure him to go out on any one of his non-customary outing nights.
Me? Well my friends have told me to chill out, let the chips fall where they may, only time will tell, and other cliched expressions of comfort and solidarity. I really appreciate my friends attempts to cheer me up and calm me down. That's what friends are for. And I am very lucky to be surrounded by such friendships. I really do need to stop thinking about things that I am not willing to change. I mean, if I really wanted to, I could change my return date, but I'm not willing to do such thing for a man, who is not my boyfriend, fiance, or husband. So far, all I have with M is a what? 1 month of communications prior to our 3 weekends of dates. In reality, this does not constitute much. Especially, not in NYC dating terms. So anybody reading these posts can clearly concur that I should chill the hell out, and just wait and see what happens. True! I'm hungry now. Got to go.
It’s Thursday, I arrived in Florida on Sunday from Connecticut. Last brief communication with M was on Sunday late afternoon via text messaging. Last meeting with M was Saturday, prior to his parent’s arrival in NYC from California. M and I had 2 weeks of attempting to get to know each other prior to my 6-week sabbatical/exile to Florida. We had e-mailed and spoken to each other over the telephone for approximately 5 weeks prior to our first date. I already felt a comfortable connection via telephone with M prior to meeting him face to face, so I had a strong feeling that we would click in person. And to my dismay, that’s exactly how it was. M and I began hanging out at the beginning of January, on the 5th. We went out for dinner and dancing. It was fun. We then met the following day for a casual afternoon date browsing through costume shops. The following weekend, we hung out all of Friday night, half day and all night Saturday, and all night Sunday when we became intimate. Then, this past weekend, when we spent all of Friday night and all of Saturday until 6:30pm. M is very intelligent, humorous, kind, classy, and metrosexual. He is a handsome, tall male, with a seductive flair. He likes to dance, listen to music, and sing karaoke. He is employed and likes the finer things in life. He seems to have an even temperament. I have fun with him no matter what we may be doing. It could be casual, it could be formal, anything. I just really enjoy his company. I am smitten by him.
So what’s going on right now? Well, M hasn’t been staying in touch with me while his parents have been in town staying with him. I also think that work may have been chaotic for him this week due to the stock market’s lows earlier this week. Now, I don’t want to make up excuses for M’s blatant disregard of my existence now that I am in Florida. I’m too nice that way. Always making excuses for men, who show that they don’t care about me, as I wish they did. M really has no excuse for not sending me at least a quick text saying hi, how are you. He could have replied to the email that I sent him on Monday or the text that I sent him last night, but he CHOSE not to. So, now I need to find distractions while here, so that I no longer have a thought about M cross my mind on a daily basis. It sucks to find myself again and again in these very same situations with men. Dating or attempting to date has become most difficult as I age. It frankly is the pits! Half of the time I don’t want to bother and the other half I get the sense of loneliness, where I want to finally find a mate to marry, settle down and have a couple of children. Am I going about this the wrong way? What am I doing wrong that I keep on finding and falling for emotionally unavailable men? I am going to turn 35 years old this year and it is highly concerning to think that it may not ever happen. I may never find that mate to marry. Sometimes I think that I may be cursed to be the type of girl that is highly desired by men but NEVER adored. And what good is it to be desired by most men, when I can NEVER find someone to call my own. I am an educated professional, feeling the void of womanhood. I never thought or imagined that I would ever feel this way, but after accomplishing what was always my primary goal, a graduate degree, a profession and financial independence, now I feel that the traditional woman roles are what’s missing in my life. Isn’t life ironic that way? I left Florida to improve my chances at love and make a good starting salary in my profession. Thirteen years in Orlando was more than enough time to find a mate, but it never happened. Today, I’ve got everything but romantic love. Regardless of where I relocate to, I still end up lacking romantic love. Why? Because I can’t escape life, I can’t escape me. As long as I continue to make poor choices in men, I will continue to live with the void.
