How are you? I am well, but procrastinating my continuance on my midterm due Monday. This is not good at all because I MUST get it done!!! Anyhow, now that I'm back in Boston, I am happy again. This past week was very nice and sunny. Spring is arriving slowly but surely. The Harvard's crew team is out and about rowing on the Charles river. I'm glad to have snapped out of that nonsense nostalgia that I felt during my last days in FL. Now, that I returned to reality and am able to smell the roses once again, everything is back to normal. With this, I particularly mean that I don't have my temporary blinders on again with respect to Firefighter. I see him for what he has always been, a boy trapped in a man's body. Someone, who at least clearly realizes that he is not ready to belong to a committed relationship. I guess that is one of his strengths...self-realization.
Okay, I will be flying to TX for a week's vacation during the middle of next month. I'm a little hesitant about it, now that I have purchased my ticket. I will be visiting friends over there, and have a couple of final papers to crunch out. I will be very busy during that time because the semester is almost over.
Well, I should get going now and deal with the present, my midterm.
Sunday, March 13, 2005 :::
Okay, good afternoon bloggers.
I am currently writing from my flight back to Boston from my spring break vacation to FL. Damn the fact that it is already over!! Why can’t we have long vacations, at least 4 weeks long. Is that so wrong?? Anyhow, I did nothing during my vacation other than stay up in my room and write a midterm paper for my clinical class. I thought that during this past week, I’d have time to compose 3 of my midterm papers, but NOPE, that did not happen, I wasn’t even close. I didn’t even finish the first paper completely…I still have to finish adding the work cited page. My friends are probably pissed at me for not meeting up with them while down in FL. I hope they understand. I will have to send them an e-mail to reiterate the fact that I was busy with school work. However, I must forever keep to myself the fact that I did meet up with Firefighter guy on Saturday night before I left. YES, I actually did!!! What a miracle! He came to pick me up at my parents’ house, and from there we went to eat dinner at the Outback. Now, I don’t know what is going on with my appetite lately, but I haven’t been eating all my food at the restaurants that I’ve visited while on dates. Could it be nervousness??? I kind of feel bad about leaving half of my food in the plate, especially when I’m not paying for my food. Well, my date with Firefighter was good. We had not seen each other since about a year and three months. I kept on looking at his face while he spoke to me to see if I viewed him differently, but nah, he appeared to be exactly the same. I guess I wanted to find an excuse to stop wanting to see him, but I didn’t find one. Despite his defects of not being available to girls as easily as he is available to his bosom buddies, I admire his intellectual intelligence and his ambition. I’ve always been attracted to the man he was 13 years ago, the man he has grown into, as well as the man he hopes to become in the future. I presume that he won’t settle down with any woman until he has satisfied his career ambition, and that is funny because I kind of see myself holding out to do the same. I think that I would not be happy getting married without finishing my career goals, just because I would feel incomplete and underachieved, and wouldn’t want to neglect my husband by focusing primarily on my studies. Okay, the reality right now is that despite the nice date that I had with Firefighter, he is seeing someone. He met her around August and they are still a couple. What kind of couple are they??? Well, the kind where the guy secretively meets up with a former lover, and the kind where the guy claims to still not feel ready to be in a relationship. People will ask me why I’m okay with that situation. I’m okay with it because he is not engaged or married and because I’ve known him for 13 years and I had him first, even though that was in the past. Firefighter is very gentle, attentive and seductive during intimacy. My intimate times with him have been memorable. I love the way he feels and the way he makes me feel. I miss that. Our last time together was back in fall of 2002. I really did want to have him again this time around, but it didn’t pan out that way. I was very upset about it, but by the time he came to my door to pick me up, I had forgotten all about it. After dinner, we parked in front of my parents’ house and talked for an hour, and then made out. Damn, I wanted him so badly!! BUT, not in front of my folks house UNLESS the vehicle’s glass was tinted somewhere around the mid 80’s. Anyhow, I was too conscious of where we were, and felt totally uncomfortable while trying to fool around in the car. I hope he didn’t perceive it as a rejection to his advances. I mean, it’s not as if we hadn’t seriously fooled around in a car before because we have, although that was almost ten years ago AND it was at an empty public parking lot. Today, I regret not having had allowed myself to enjoy once again the temporary pleasure of seriously fooling around with Firefighter. The years continue to go by and I can’t shake Firefighter out of my head. Why?? I don’t know. I think I’ve been asking myself the same question for the past 13 years. You see, he is the man, who I’ve known and been attracted to for the longest time. The only way he would ever be removed from my head would be immediately after he became an engaged or married man, but until that day arrives, he will continue to be a permanent fixture on my mind. The other night, I was asked by one of my best friends, to how many men I had said I love you? It so happens that I have said I love you to two men in my lifetime, AND Firefighter happened to be one of the two. Perhaps, that is another of the various reasons why I can’t purge him out of my head. I don’t know. However, I DO know that whenever I see him, I usually become flooded with thoughts of wanting to be near him…you know, live once again in the same state within proximity from him. The problem with that idea is that from past experience, I know that it wouldn’t make a difference to him to have me living close by because he is always too busy to go out on a date, especially now more than ever. So, even if I still lived close by to him, I would not have ANY guarantees of seeing him at least once a month. In any case, our dates would be every other month (if I was lucky), but most likely every three or six months. ---YES, I know that is pretty sad, but that is exactly how he is.
How are you? I'm writing from FL. I'm just beginning my spring break week, but no beach parties for me, instead what awaits me is piles of articles and textbooks for the 4 midterms I need to crunch out this week, that are shortly due after my return to Boston.
Anyhow, what can I say, I've noticed how different an average day for me feels when I have a potential suitor. I don't know why this is, but I can definitely recognize the difference. It is like a feeling of completeness. Now, I do not want to sound corny like the infamous line from Jerry Maguire, "You complete me," but I'm beginning to wonder if there's some truth to that. I mean, I carry on my life in a normal way being super occupied with school and work and everything else that pertains to those and to me it feels normal. You know, the average hustle and the bustle; however, when I have a suitor in the midst and I dig him, the average day becomes one where I feel incredibly fierce and invinsible. I don't know why, but it feels that way. I normally am charged daily with plenty of strength and empowerment, but when I'm being pursuited by someone I like, that empowerment and strength is raised to the infinity power. I must admit, I LOVE that feeling of super human omnipotence. I DO!!! Who wouldn't? Too bad this doesn't ocurr often, at least not to me.
Anyhow, I have remained an acquaintance of NYC guy, but he's a workaholic so our status won't change. To further update you on the rest of the Match.com guys: the older guy wishes to meet me, as well as one of the guys around my age. They are not being pushy at all. It's been a month since I've been speaking to them via e-mail and they're still ok with allowing me time to be ready to speak to them over the telephone. Am I ready yet? Nope, I don't think so. I probably rather meet them in person and then after the date, decide if I wish to have telephone conversations with them.
I feel so resistant to male advances. I feel like I don't want to bother with or put up with the bullshit that men usually put women through. Have I become jaded beyond correction? Am I now overly cynical and pessimistic with regards to male relationships? Sometimes I wonder. I think there is a big part of me in the pessimistic side and a diminishing small part of me attempting to hold on to hope that someday I will be a part of a happy, healthy and loving relationship. Meanwhile, my loves are myself, my family, Baby Jay, and my education.
Well, now that I am in town, my friends all wish to see me before I go back to Boston. This list of friends includes the firefighter. Yes, he called me yesterday. Will I see him this time around? I don't know.
By the way, since Friday, I've been doing more therapy while on the road than what I do at my internship. Basically, while I was flying to FL from MA, I found myself doing two therapy sessions: one on my flight from MA to GA, then another on my flight from GA to FL. When I arrived at FL, I told my parents that it was the last time I told people sitting next to me on a plane what I am majoring in at grad school. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing therapy because I love to help people, but on my off time, at night time and under a pressurized cabin, I wasn't interested in holding any therapy sessions, all I wanted to do was close my eyes and rest a bit from a day I had started at 5 a.m. Then the next day, I still found myself doing therapy work with my family. Now, that I am the therapist in the family, such duties are expected from me. Wow! Too bad that I can't give myself advise because it isn't as effective as hearing it from someone else, that's why I tap into several of my opiniated friends to help me out when I require different perspectives from whatever I have thought.
Oh by the way, I have already been hired for my second year internship. As of September, I will be doing psychotherapy at an Outpatient Psychiatric unit in a local hospital. I am SO HAPPY and EXCITED about this great learning opportunity and the fact that I will be in the very professional setting of a hospital. Hip hip HOORAY!!!! I've been Blessed!!
Okay, I am hungry so i got to go. Talk to you soon.
