Tuesday, April 19, 2005 :::
Damn it, I didn’t get to talk to him about my feelings last night; I lost my opportunity, he got sleepy and that was it. Well, as expected, things went for the worse. Yesterday, I watched an adult video that got me real hot, so when he arrived from work I was ready to go. Plus he had heads up to that fact before he got here, so he was ready too. Anyhow, that was it for the day. No more sex after that. I wanted him to kiss me so badly, but of course that didn’t happen. I really feel now like one of those women in the video, who get fucked, and barely kissed. The difference is that I don’t get kissed at all. It was NEVER like this between us in CT! One of the things that turned me on most about him was the way he kissed me. Now I got NADA, zero, zilch. My naiveness got me in this situation and I stayed in hopes that it would at least be a replay of our CT days, but that wasn’t the case. This is so unfair. My friends said that even though this being a bootycall/fling whatever, that I ended up not having my needs met, that I got the bumb wrap on this deal. They are right. What he has done to me, I could have done myself by artificial means. I came over here for the personal touch of another warm body, yet instead got the cold shoulder. Last night while we slept, he basically didn’t approach me, be it consciously or unconsciously. At one VERY brief moment he turned to me and placed his arm around me, but as soon as I raised my hand from underneath the covers to lay it over his forearm, it only took him a minute to turn over and scoot away from me. That was it for last night. The rest of the other nights, he had been embracing me while we slept, at least twice per night. I didn’t initiate much of those embraces in fear of his rejection. Yesterday, he didn’t come to the house for lunch as he normally does because he supposedly had to meet with clients instead. Today, he won’t come to lunch either because he supposedly won’t return from Dallas until around 2 p.m. and plans to go into the office for the remaining hours of his workday. If you guys ask me, I call this avoidance, pre-parting separation, when one begins to reduce visual contact with someone, who is soon leaving. I recall this being a trait within TX guy because he had already done it to me just before he left CT. That is how he deals with impending loss. I understand him because I hate goodbyes as well because if you care, they do stir your emotions. I’m not proud to say it, but I’ve been cowardly enough to have done this in the past. And yes, it is a cowardly act to not have the guts to affront the fact that you are not going to see a particular person again, so instead you pull away from them way before they/you leave, in order to establish a bit of indifference between you, so that supposedly you won’t be affected by the loss. Why did things go so wrong? El poquito de felicidad y distraccion temporera que yo buscaba se convertio en un tormento emocional lleno de soledad y disatisfaccion. Que alguien que te guste se haga indiferente hacia ti es cruel. Durante la intimidad no cuenta porque eso fue solo penetracion, solamente dos veces, MUY breves intento estimularme oralmente. What a let down. Mas para colmo tuve que mentir la mayoria del tiempo cuando me preguntaba que si me habia gustado. El sabado cuando me fue besando desde la sala de visitas hasta su recamarra, yo les juro que estuve en las nubes, y cuando tuvimos sexo fue duradero, intenso, casi como en nuestros viejos tiempos. Desafortunadamente ese fue el unico dia que en verdad disfrute y senti en su boca su sed de pasion. Las demas veces el ha sido seco conmigo al iniciar el sexo y yo in turn was just as dry. No puedo creer que ya mañana me marcho y solo tengo para llevarme el recuerdo de esta gran desilucion. La noche del viernes cuando hizo el disclosure, me dijo algo within the lines of: no te conozco o apenas te conozco. Ustedes no saben lo mal e insultada que me senti al oirlo decir esas palabras. Especialmente cuando durante este reencuentro el NO utilizo preservativos, pero en cambio durante nuestros tres meses de intensa pasion en CT el los usaba conmigo sin falta. Que ha cambiado ahora?? What should I interpret from this??? Que en verdad el si siente que me conoce ahora lo suficiente para ya no temer el no usarlos durante nuestra intimidad, O que el estaba envuelto sexualmente con otras chicas apesar de mi mientras estabamos en CT y por eso los usaba sin falta en aquel entonces? I don’t know what to make of this because he was just sooo careful in CT when it came to practicing safe sex. Ademas, porque entonces pretender que usaria preservativos, to the point where we made a special trip to the pharmacy to buy some, si no los planeaba utilizar??? El en verdad me ha dado TANTOS mixed messages and contradictory statements. He is absolutely like the average guy, who doesn’t really know what he wants. For such guys, Shakespeare best stated it in Hamlet when he wrote the famous line, “To be or not to be[in a relationship] that is the question.” Hoy es una mañana lugubrious. Perhaps it is an insight to how the rest of the day and evening will pan out. I still can’t believe how insensitive he has been to me, expecting for me to get wet without foreplay; coño, yo no soy ni prostituta, ni una actriz de peliculas para adultos. In addition, I was so nervous on our first night together, after all, it had been a long time for me, yet he dared to say that I made him feel uncomfortable with my nervousness and discomfort. That was not nice of him at all. Yo precindia romance y passion desenfrenada como lo que el me brindo en CT. That is the only thing that gets me going for sex. Como es que el no sabe esto a su edad. Claro que lo sabe, pero con todo el proposito del mundo decidio utilizarme en la cama como a una cualquiera. El viernes, el me dijo que no deseaba faltarme al respeto, que eso no es su intencion. Well a lot has changed since then, and actions speak louder than words. And from what you guys have read here, TX guy has treated me like Richard Gere treated Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman during the week that she spent with him: very indifferent except when they had sex and he never kissed her. I can’t believe how sexually restrained I’ve had to be these days. I’m unhappy because this is totally out of character for me. I am a woman with a hearty sexual appetite, I’d chosen voluntary celibacy for the past two years, and when I finally decide (thanks to TX guy) that the time has come to end my celibate with a man from my past, who had lifted up my sexual spirits in ways that no man had ever before done so. What do I get in return=some sexual encounters that seemed like migajas de caridad. Like him trying to say, “here, you may have very little of this, after all, you’re already here” I thought that he wanted to turn me on and on and on, to elevate me as he had done so in the past, to release my wild animal nature, but today, I can tell you that was a thought so far from reality, that now all I’m left with is an empty feeling inside. Que tristeza tratarme asi cuando la unica razon que estoy aqui es por el y solo el, nadie mas. I wanted to be happy in his arms again, no one elses. How blind can he be? This wasn’t how it was supposed to be between us. We are both intensely passionate, sexual individuals. We work hard and when we play it is just as hard. Sexual compatibility is imperative for both of us, as is kissing compatibility. However, this time around has been NOTHING like our time in CT. This time he has made me feel like a carton of milk, that he will drink from when thirsty, then place back in the fridge keeping it cold until he becomes thirsty again and fetches it once more from the fridge. It is absolutely CRUEL to purposely deprive someone from awesome unrestrained sex, someone who had been celibate for 2 years and now wanted and expected to receive EVERYTHING she had fantasized about throughout those years, someone who was looking forward to once again let out her wild, passionate and insatiable sexual side. Although, my mom knows about him, I could never tell her about my trip here because she will make me feel as bad or worse (if there’s such a thing) than what I feel right now. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why me? I am a good descent person, I didn’t deserve this cold treatment. It just isn’t fair! All I wanted was some TLC. Ahora me regreso a MA, sin amante futuro, sin potencial de tenerlo como novio y sin ninguna de las emociones sexuales fenomenales que el habia despertado en mi en CT, ni nuevos recuerdos del fuego intenso que se guarda secretamente bajo nuestra piel. I wanted him and thought that he wanted me just as much. I recall that he had even reached for my hand, when we were going to walk back to his car when we met at the airport on Thursday, and stupid me had turned to grab my luggage and noticed the hand only as it was retracting. That was the only and last attempt he did at holding my hand. Lord knows that I sincerely appreciate his cordial hospitality. But he has made more efforts at that than the sexscapade that he’d offered me to come here. Plus he is so good at carrying on as if nothing is wrong. Que lastima que todo esto haiga pasado como paso. I shouldn’t have had such high expectations of our reencuentro because now I am severely disappointed. I wanted someone to hold and that would make me feel special and cared for at least during my time here, something incredibly romantic, mind blowing, full of passion, seduction, sexual unrestraint, but all I ended up with was quickie sex exclusively at night time, when all that the other person wanted was simply to get off and fall right back to sleep. TX guy let me down severely. I didn’t expect that from him. And knowing that he will never be mine again as a lover nor to finally have him as a boyfriend, hurts like hell because I have A LOT of love, tenderness and devotion to give. I know how to treat a man and make him feel like he is the king of the castle. However, TX guy will never know all that I’m capable of giving him. At least this secret getaway me sirvio para distraerme de la escuela. Cuando regrese, I will be a wiser woman as far as love and relationships, and will be energized to finish my school year. TX guy has made me think and feel about everything but school. I enjoyed his company despite all I didn’t get out of this encounter. I enjoy analyzing his quirks. Having him near me was a breath of fresh air even though it wasn’t in the exact way I had envisioned. Watching him from head to toe made me want him more. He just appears to be such a wonderful man! Now that he owns a house he seems more mature. I don’t know what it is about homeownership that makes you learn responsibility towards your property and wise budgeting. I learned it when I was 23 years old. And those are wise habits that you never forget. Anyhow, seeing him taking care of his property with such enthusiasm was awesome. He appears to love his cute house, and it will be a shame the day he must again uproot himself, in order to follow his call of duty. I will miss him and I fear that after this disappointing event between us, that we may no longer remain in contact with each other. I care a lot about him, in spite of what didn’t happen during my stay. I will never forget him because as the overall man that he is, he happens to be exactly the type of man that I want for a boyfriend, mate or partner. I had noticed this in CT, but now the great qualities about him have matured along with him. I say this regardless of how poorly he managed the situation between us while I lodged with him. He sincerely is a great guy and I wish he were mine, all mine to show him how happy I can make him. It would be a dream come true to have a chance to date each other and see where things lead (if anywhere) and how things go. The KEY aspect to making that happen is to be open/receptive to the idea of trying it out to see what may come about. Well fellow bloggers, this might be the last post of the day. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be on my way to Dallas to catch my plane back to MA. Hope all is well and continues to be well for you.
Quote of the day: Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Life is all about giving yourself new opportunities, new experiences, and for you single people out there new loves. Until you find your TRUE love, you shouldn’t stop searching. Never settle for less because true love doesn’t come once in a lifetime. If you are a courageous, determined individual you will find it again.
