Thursday, April 21, 2005 :::
I am here in the office, feeling down and heavy-hearted, as if I had a lot of things to say, but nobody to listen to me. I feel like I have something in my chest, that my soul is frozen, that I must lay outside under the sun to thaw what has been frozen over. I am getting sleepy and I'm not very hungry. I would like to sleep my cares away, but I know that life doesn't work that way. I MUST face reality, and my reality is that the last 9 hours that I spent with TX guy were a farse, a great act, that he scripted in order to make my departure less depressive. However, right now what I feel is anger because for that moment, I thought that he actually meant to do the behavior which he portrayed throughout our last hours together, but it wasn't so. He didn't mean ANY of it. I would have rather not been with him during that last night. I feel once again fooled. I mean, I had already felt used up until that night, but to now, add to it feeling fooled is not pleasant at all. It upsets me that I didn't reject him, that once again I fell in his trap. How dumb can I be? He fooled me up through the very end of our encounter. I thought that the mere fact that he repeatedly asked for forgiveness, meant that he was honestly sorry, but I see that wasn't the case. It has already been 24 hours since our last communication. And I can swear to you guys that he won't contact me. You see, I have sent him several casual text messages and e-mails which he hasn't replied to. He found the time to communicate with me before my visit, then suddenly, is he too busy now to do so? Nah, he just doesn't want to.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005 :::
I am at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport waiting for my flight. I woke up today at 5 a.m. Bloggers, I finally let TX guy know what was going on with me. I simply had him read the posts of the past 4 days. It was easier that way, in order to not leave anything out. I almost thought that it wouldn’t happen again because after we returned to the house from having dinner, he jumped in bed and was very ready to fall asleep. I had to convince him somehow to please read what I’d written because it pertained to him. So he read it, while I awaited in another room. I was so nervous. I began to continuously pray the Our Father and Hail Mary. Once he was done reading the posts, he fetched me from the other room. I wasn’t as nervous to hear what he had to say because I knew that it just could not be worse than what I had heard on Friday evening. So I took a deep breath and listened. I think that we spoke for about an hour. He explained his behaviors, etc. I listened attentively. He basically told me that as far as kissing, and other types of portrayals of affection, he said that he has changed and that he no longer exhibits these unless they are heart-felt. He told me that when he expressed these in CT, he didn’t feel them. He implied that I was his rebound girl while in CT because he had just gotten out of a longterm relationship/engagement. He then told me that he didn't know me well enough, that he just doesn't immediately start a relationship. He said that he takes his time getting to know the person by going out with them and learning about them. He said that we haven't had the opportunity to do so. Then at one point, he said that we were different people. I then asked him how could he be so sure of us being different people, if he had just got done stating that he didn't know me well? At that moment, TX guy agreed with me and had no other choice but to retract his comment of us supposedly being different people. He also tried to imply that perhaps I fell in love quickly. I told him that if that was the case, then I would have had vast quantities of boyfriends. But I don't because I am carefully selective. Then he attempted to incinuate that I started relationships too soon without really knowing the person, and that in contrast, he took his time. I told him that one never gets to really know someone until after you've lived with them and they feel at liberty to show you their true colors. After all, not everyone wears their heart, thoughts and possible behaviors and actions on their sleeve. TX guy doesn't understand this because he hasn't experienced dating individuals, who hide their true personalities. Anyhow, with further discussion, the getting to know someone issue that he had raised in order to depict me as rushing into things, came to be simply a matter of the terminology used. What I mean by that is that at the beginning phase of getting to know someone, he doesn't call it dating, he calls it going out. In my opinion, if you are going out with the same person frequently in order to get to know them better, those are dates, therefore you are technically dating. If something comes about from those dates, then you decide as a couple to exclusively start seeing each other/become boyfriend-girlfriend/start dating. The thing here is that there are many ways to call the stages one goes through when getting to know someone to possibly get into a relationship with them, and some of these terms or phrases are similar for both the beginning phase and the actual relationship stage. That's where there could be confusion, and obviously for a moment, that's where TX guy and I were stuck debating until it dawned on me that we were talking about the same thing except identifying it with different terms. Then he approaches me and stares into my eyes and caresses my cheek and leans over to give me a small kiss, a peck, and then embraces me. I thought that was so sweet and tender of him to do to me. He remained close, as he continued to talk to me and then repeated his tender gesture towards me. I held my breath as if that would make our tender moment stand still in time, yet I tried to not get too excited about the gesture because it may stop at any moment. He was so warm. As I looked deep into his eyes, and he stared deep into mine, I swear that I was lost in the moment. Nothing else mattered, just the fact that he and I were there face to face. TX guy continued to make his tender gestures intermittently as we spoke. I was in heaven just by the mere fact of having him so close to me and to be able to touch him without fear of rejection. After all was said, he really began kissing me exactly the way that I LOVE to be kissed. I couldn’t believe it. Was I dreaming? Was that really happening to me even after he said that he could no longer be that way with somebody unless it was heart-felt? I don’t want to call it made love or had sex, I just won’t call it anything. But I am very happy today! He even held me almost all through the night. I had a beautiful night! I felt so lucky to have had him like that. It was almost heaven. But were those actions an utter charity simply because I was leaving early the next morning, because he felt sorry for me for having had been so sad and disappointed with our encounter or was it heart-felt?? You guys know the answer to that. This morning, TX guy was affectionate towards me right before I finished getting dressed. He embraced and kissed me. It felt so magical to be laying in his arms, feeling such tenderness eminatting from him. Once we were ready to leave his house, I felt a bit sad to not know or believe that I'd ever again be visiting that cute, charming and quaint home of his. You know, sometimes a house takes several years until it is made to feel like a home. However, TX guy in about 15 months has made his house into a very welcoming and cozy home. That is quite admirable. I enjoyed assisting him with small details of work around the house. I'd watch him through the bedroom window, as he worked on the yard. He is so great at that and anything else that he does. Yesterday, I practiced my chip shot in his backyard. Boy, time sure does kill your swing if you don't continuously practice. I was having difficulties giving the ball some elevation. A few times, I managed a to hit the golf ball just right, but it was more times that the ball simply skipped through the ground to its destination. However, in my own defense, I'd like to say that I was playing with a 9 iron that had a shaft too long for my height. Plus, I was afraid of killing the shit out of hit grass. We had an interesting experience for dinner last night. Yes, we went to this small bistro which we had attempted to dine at last Saturday, but it had been booked. Anyhow, we pull up in front of the restaurant, and looked at the hours of operation. To our disbelief, the sign on the door said that they were open for lunch on Mondays-Wednesdays, and dinner on Thursdays-Saurdays, so TX guy asked me to step outside and take a closer look and see if indeed they wer closed. And I did, I approached the door and read the sign again, yet prior to walking away, I felt compelled to pull on the door, which to my surprise opened to show a number of people inside. As I entered the establishment with a puzzled look on my face and began to question what I'd read on the door. Suddenly, this well-suited polite man approached me. I thought that he was a host, but he was the owner. He explained that the restaurant was actually closed, but they had a special group to cater to that night. He told me their hours of operation, and then said that he would ask if I could stay for dinner. He told me that he didn't mind me staying for dinner, but would ask the chef to see if she was okay with it. Then the chef came over told me the specific entrees they had for the group, told me that she didn't mind me staying for dinner, as long as I had no problems with sitting in the back of the restaurant by the large glass window. I then, told her that I must go outside and ask my dinner date, to see if he was okay with it. Then I went outside feeling all proud of myself for landing an unusual dinner approval. I told TX guy that being beautiful has its perks. He laughed and we went inside the restaurant to our table. Soon I noticed that our waiter was gay and had a soft spot for TX guy. LOL! It was so funny to watch him watching being cute towards TX guy. I let TX guy know what was happening under his nose. He then, of course, began feeling a bit uncomfortable with the waiter since he should have been addressing the both of us, but instead he mostly addressed TX guy. The waiter even called him sweety at one point, and TX guy didn't even notice although he asked him to repeat himself. But when the waiter repeated himself, he was smart enough to leave out th term of endearment. I was cracking up! I even struck up a conversation with the waiter,in order for him to remain at tableside longer and watch him act flirtatious towards TX guy. I am so mean! LOL!!! TX guy told me last night that I didn't know him completely. For example, that I had not witnessed his behavior when he is angry. I agree, I haven't seen that side of him, but I am wiser as far as what hints do people give off that represent disturbed personalities. TX guy seems to be the type of person to get angry like the average individual within certain self-imposed limits. He appears to have no anger management issues. I mean, my ex-husband had given me a few observable hints to his anger mismanagement, that was one of the reasons that I cancelled the wedding three months before the date. CA guy had given me hints over the telephone about his problem by sharing his thoughts about people in general, and some of his actions. I know by now how to detect those types of hints and stear clear from men with such issues. TX guy is so funny with his sarcastic humor. What makes it more fun for me is to come up with creative ways to return that type of humor. Gotta love it!! Got to love a guy, who is corageous enough to get up and sing Karaoke at a bar in Miami. Lord knows, that I have never done so yet because my friends don't like Karaoke and because of my likely stagefright, although I could easily get over it, after my first performance. While waiting at the shuttle bus station, we sat next to each other and he caressed my hair and told me not to be sad. I told him that I was okay, and then asked him if we would remain in contact with each other, and he said yes. I was so happy to hear that, although right now I am skeptical about his real intentions to stay in touch with me. Once it came time for me to get on the bus, we said our goodbyes. We gave each other a long embrace and kissed each other, although not on the lips. As he held me, he apologized yet again, and told me that the next time would be much better. I then had him repeat himself since on Friday evening, he had told me that we should not and would not have another intimate encounter again. TX guy repeated himself, and again I heard how he clearly said "next time will be much better." I wanted to believe that and to allow my heart to skip a beat at the thought of being with him again, but I couldn't drive my spirits up enough for such statement because I still had Friday's statement too present in my head, and I took today's as an unmeant slip of the tongue. Soon reality will hit me and it won't be pleasant simply saddening.
Quote of the day: "Allow at least the smallest ray of sunlight to shine on you whenever you get that chance."
Tuesday, April 19, 2005 :::
Damn it, I didn’t get to talk to him about my feelings last night; I lost my opportunity, he got sleepy and that was it. Well, as expected, things went for the worse. Yesterday, I watched an adult video that got me real hot, so when he arrived from work I was ready to go. Plus he had heads up to that fact before he got here, so he was ready too. Anyhow, that was it for the day. No more sex after that. I wanted him to kiss me so badly, but of course that didn’t happen. I really feel now like one of those women in the video, who get fucked, and barely kissed. The difference is that I don’t get kissed at all. It was NEVER like this between us in CT! One of the things that turned me on most about him was the way he kissed me. Now I got NADA, zero, zilch. My naiveness got me in this situation and I stayed in hopes that it would at least be a replay of our CT days, but that wasn’t the case. This is so unfair. My friends said that even though this being a bootycall/fling whatever, that I ended up not having my needs met, that I got the bumb wrap on this deal. They are right. What he has done to me, I could have done myself by artificial means. I came over here for the personal touch of another warm body, yet instead got the cold shoulder. Last night while we slept, he basically didn’t approach me, be it consciously or unconsciously. At one VERY brief moment he turned to me and placed his arm around me, but as soon as I raised my hand from underneath the covers to lay it over his forearm, it only took him a minute to turn over and scoot away from me. That was it for last night. The rest of the other nights, he had been embracing me while we slept, at least twice per night. I didn’t initiate much of those embraces in fear of his rejection. Yesterday, he didn’t come to the house for lunch as he normally does because he supposedly had to meet with clients instead. Today, he won’t come to lunch either because he supposedly won’t return from Dallas until around 2 p.m. and plans to go into the office for the remaining hours of his workday. If you guys ask me, I call this avoidance, pre-parting separation, when one begins to reduce visual contact with someone, who is soon leaving. I recall this being a trait within TX guy because he had already done it to me just before he left CT. That is how he deals with impending loss. I understand him because I hate goodbyes as well because if you care, they do stir your emotions. I’m not proud to say it, but I’ve been cowardly enough to have done this in the past. And yes, it is a cowardly act to not have the guts to affront the fact that you are not going to see a particular person again, so instead you pull away from them way before they/you leave, in order to establish a bit of indifference between you, so that supposedly you won’t be affected by the loss. Why did things go so wrong? El poquito de felicidad y distraccion temporera que yo buscaba se convertio en un tormento emocional lleno de soledad y disatisfaccion. Que alguien que te guste se haga indiferente hacia ti es cruel. Durante la intimidad no cuenta porque eso fue solo penetracion, solamente dos veces, MUY breves intento estimularme oralmente. What a let down. Mas para colmo tuve que mentir la mayoria del tiempo cuando me preguntaba que si me habia gustado. El sabado cuando me fue besando desde la sala de visitas hasta su recamarra, yo les juro que estuve en las nubes, y cuando tuvimos sexo fue duradero, intenso, casi como en nuestros viejos tiempos. Desafortunadamente ese fue el unico dia que en verdad disfrute y senti en su boca su sed de pasion. Las demas veces el ha sido seco conmigo al iniciar el sexo y yo in turn was just as dry. No puedo creer que ya mañana me marcho y solo tengo para llevarme el recuerdo de esta gran desilucion. La noche del viernes cuando hizo el disclosure, me dijo algo within the lines of: no te conozco o apenas te conozco. Ustedes no saben lo mal e insultada que me senti al oirlo decir esas palabras. Especialmente cuando durante este reencuentro el NO utilizo preservativos, pero en cambio durante nuestros tres meses de intensa pasion en CT el los usaba conmigo sin falta. Que ha cambiado ahora?? What should I interpret from this??? Que en verdad el si siente que me conoce ahora lo suficiente para ya no temer el no usarlos durante nuestra intimidad, O que el estaba envuelto sexualmente con otras chicas apesar de mi mientras estabamos en CT y por eso los usaba sin falta en aquel entonces? I don’t know what to make of this because he was just sooo careful in CT when it came to practicing safe sex. Ademas, porque entonces pretender que usaria preservativos, to the point where we made a special trip to the pharmacy to buy some, si no los planeaba utilizar??? El en verdad me ha dado TANTOS mixed messages and contradictory statements. He is absolutely like the average guy, who doesn’t really know what he wants. For such guys, Shakespeare best stated it in Hamlet when he wrote the famous line, “To be or not to be[in a relationship] that is the question.” Hoy es una mañana lugubrious. Perhaps it is an insight to how the rest of the day and evening will pan out. I still can’t believe how insensitive he has been to me, expecting for me to get wet without foreplay; coño, yo no soy ni prostituta, ni una actriz de peliculas para adultos. In addition, I was so nervous on our first night together, after all, it had been a long time for me, yet he dared to say that I made him feel uncomfortable with my nervousness and discomfort. That was not nice of him at all. Yo precindia romance y passion desenfrenada como lo que el me brindo en CT. That is the only thing that gets me going for sex. Como es que el no sabe esto a su edad. Claro que lo sabe, pero con todo el proposito del mundo decidio utilizarme en la cama como a una cualquiera. El viernes, el me dijo que no deseaba faltarme al respeto, que eso no es su intencion. Well a lot has changed since then, and actions speak louder than words. And from what you guys have read here, TX guy has treated me like Richard Gere treated Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman during the week that she spent with him: very indifferent except when they had sex and he never kissed her. I can’t believe how sexually restrained I’ve had to be these days. I’m unhappy because this is totally out of character for me. I am a woman with a hearty sexual appetite, I’d chosen voluntary celibacy for the past two years, and when I finally decide (thanks to TX guy) that the time has come to end my celibate with a man from my past, who had lifted up my sexual spirits in ways that no man had ever before done so. What do I get in return=some sexual encounters that seemed like migajas de caridad. Like him trying to say, “here, you may have very little of this, after all, you’re already here” I thought that he wanted to turn me on and on and on, to elevate me as he had done so in the past, to release my wild animal nature, but today, I can tell you that was a thought so far from reality, that now all I’m left with is an empty feeling inside. Que tristeza tratarme asi cuando la unica razon que estoy aqui es por el y solo el, nadie mas. I wanted to be happy in his arms again, no one elses. How blind can he be? This wasn’t how it was supposed to be between us. We are both intensely passionate, sexual individuals. We work hard and when we play it is just as hard. Sexual compatibility is imperative for both of us, as is kissing compatibility. However, this time around has been NOTHING like our time in CT. This time he has made me feel like a carton of milk, that he will drink from when thirsty, then place back in the fridge keeping it cold until he becomes thirsty again and fetches it once more from the fridge. It is absolutely CRUEL to purposely deprive someone from awesome unrestrained sex, someone who had been celibate for 2 years and now wanted and expected to receive EVERYTHING she had fantasized about throughout those years, someone who was looking forward to once again let out her wild, passionate and insatiable sexual side. Although, my mom knows about him, I could never tell her about my trip here because she will make me feel as bad or worse (if there’s such a thing) than what I feel right now. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why me? I am a good descent person, I didn’t deserve this cold treatment. It just isn’t fair! All I wanted was some TLC. Ahora me regreso a MA, sin amante futuro, sin potencial de tenerlo como novio y sin ninguna de las emociones sexuales fenomenales que el habia despertado en mi en CT, ni nuevos recuerdos del fuego intenso que se guarda secretamente bajo nuestra piel. I wanted him and thought that he wanted me just as much. I recall that he had even reached for my hand, when we were going to walk back to his car when we met at the airport on Thursday, and stupid me had turned to grab my luggage and noticed the hand only as it was retracting. That was the only and last attempt he did at holding my hand. Lord knows that I sincerely appreciate his cordial hospitality. But he has made more efforts at that than the sexscapade that he’d offered me to come here. Plus he is so good at carrying on as if nothing is wrong. Que lastima que todo esto haiga pasado como paso. I shouldn’t have had such high expectations of our reencuentro because now I am severely disappointed. I wanted someone to hold and that would make me feel special and cared for at least during my time here, something incredibly romantic, mind blowing, full of passion, seduction, sexual unrestraint, but all I ended up with was quickie sex exclusively at night time, when all that the other person wanted was simply to get off and fall right back to sleep. TX guy let me down severely. I didn’t expect that from him. And knowing that he will never be mine again as a lover nor to finally have him as a boyfriend, hurts like hell because I have A LOT of love, tenderness and devotion to give. I know how to treat a man and make him feel like he is the king of the castle. However, TX guy will never know all that I’m capable of giving him. At least this secret getaway me sirvio para distraerme de la escuela. Cuando regrese, I will be a wiser woman as far as love and relationships, and will be energized to finish my school year. TX guy has made me think and feel about everything but school. I enjoyed his company despite all I didn’t get out of this encounter. I enjoy analyzing his quirks. Having him near me was a breath of fresh air even though it wasn’t in the exact way I had envisioned. Watching him from head to toe made me want him more. He just appears to be such a wonderful man! Now that he owns a house he seems more mature. I don’t know what it is about homeownership that makes you learn responsibility towards your property and wise budgeting. I learned it when I was 23 years old. And those are wise habits that you never forget. Anyhow, seeing him taking care of his property with such enthusiasm was awesome. He appears to love his cute house, and it will be a shame the day he must again uproot himself, in order to follow his call of duty. I will miss him and I fear that after this disappointing event between us, that we may no longer remain in contact with each other. I care a lot about him, in spite of what didn’t happen during my stay. I will never forget him because as the overall man that he is, he happens to be exactly the type of man that I want for a boyfriend, mate or partner. I had noticed this in CT, but now the great qualities about him have matured along with him. I say this regardless of how poorly he managed the situation between us while I lodged with him. He sincerely is a great guy and I wish he were mine, all mine to show him how happy I can make him. It would be a dream come true to have a chance to date each other and see where things lead (if anywhere) and how things go. The KEY aspect to making that happen is to be open/receptive to the idea of trying it out to see what may come about. Well fellow bloggers, this might be the last post of the day. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be on my way to Dallas to catch my plane back to MA. Hope all is well and continues to be well for you.
Quote of the day: Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Life is all about giving yourself new opportunities, new experiences, and for you single people out there new loves. Until you find your TRUE love, you shouldn’t stop searching. Never settle for less because true love doesn’t come once in a lifetime. If you are a courageous, determined individual you will find it again.
Monday, April 18, 2005 :::
Although, I crave his body, his heat and his touch, I now officially feel like a living, breathing sex toy = a blowup doll. I still haven’t talked to him about my feelings. Tonight, as soon as I jumped into bed with him, he was initiating sex. I believe que el cariño y afecto NO se le niega a nadie. Mas yo no podria estar teniendo sexo con el, como lo estoy hacienda ahora sino sintiese cariño, afecto y atraccion por el. En este reencuentro yo esperaba cariño, afecto y mucho sexo tal como el continuamente me indico que asi seria, pero esto se ha convertido en el reencuentro “gone bad.” Yo NO he podido ser la mujer que antes era con el en la intimida: una mujer insaciable, iniciadora del sexo, seductora y apacionada, cariñosa, juguetona y afectuosa, ya que el redujo el fuego pasional que yo traia conmigo a senizas, que dia a dia se las va llevando el viento. Porque me hace esto? El aun no ha regresado con su novia, y yo aun estoy aqui, porque no darme felicidad durante estos pocos dias que vine a pasar con el, gracias a su invitacion? Que le pasa conmigo? Porque no me besa? Coño, el besarme es la mejor manera de turn me on. Acaso no se da cuenta que cuando no estoy lista para el sexo no es porque soy una mujer frigida o seca sino porque el NO me ha besado para despertar el fuego de la passion en mi y asi poder estar naturalmente lista para el sexo. Hay tantas cosas las cuales he is purposely not noticing or acknowledging. Y el besar es una de ellas, ya que el sabe MUY BIEN lo mucho que me encanta besarme con alguien que me atrae y quien me besa fenomenalmente. El es ese tipo de hombre que me besa deliciosamente, quien me deja deseosa de mas y mas besos. Cuando nos besamos parece que se detiene el mundo y solo existimos nosotros dos. These days that I’ve been here, I’ve only been able to smooch with him on two occasions; one of those very briefly. I feel so deprived! Que experiencia estoy viviendo. Esta sera otra mas para mi lista del “jamas y nunca.” Durante estos ultimos meses nosotros nos comunicabamos con frequencia, aun cuando el tenia su novia. Y el mismo me habia propuesto estar conmigo si a mi no me molestaba ser la otra. Luego se dejo de su novia y entonces nos comunicabamos con mas frequencia cada semana y fue cuando me invito a su casa en TX. Yo lo pense y lo pense muchisimo y finalmente decidi darle una oportunidad al destino que nos unia de nuevo luego de dos años de no vernos aunque manteniamos contacto. El ofrecio pagarme la mitad del boleto aereo. Cuando decidi ir, se lo communiqué y el estaba super alegre y ansioso por verme. At least that is what I thought! Durante estas ultimas 6 semanas el habia estado al pendiente de mi, enviando text messages diariamente o llamandome en la hora de su almuerzo o en la noche cuando ya estaba listo para dormir o antes de ducharse. Todas estas atenciones, yo ilusamente las interprete como una señal que nuestro reencuentro seria fenomenal en el sexo y que quizas algo comenzaria a formarse entre nosotros. Que tonta fui!! Tambien el hecho de que el me habia dicho que tendria que mudarse a CT o a Montreal para cosas de trabajo, pero que si se mudaba a CT que eso le daria la oportunidad de visitarme algunos fines de semanas, ya que solo estariamos como a 45 minutos de distancia. Mas cuando surgio la posibilidad de que el se mudara a FL, el volvio a mencionar que mientras yo estuviese alla durante el verano, que nos podriamos ver. Todas estas sugerencias e ideas de el, me tomaban por sorpresa ya que venian de su boca, pero me daban alas de esperanza para pensar que algo si pudiese surgir entre nosotros. Now I am severely disappointed. He changed his mind or simply DID NOT mean any of those words he said to me. And I guess I allowed his readiness and willingness to contact me everyday to get deep into my emotions to the point where I interpreted something that was never there. This is a saddening situation. Cuando alguien no te corresponde completamente porque no te ven con los mismos ojos. Y es una gran lastima porque con lo que le he notado sobre su lado romantico (which he doesn’t even realize he really has), me imagino lo fantastico que seria como novio cuando he lets himself go completely by emotions, his heart is open and there are no metal armours guarding his heart. All I am receiving right now is one-tenth of what I ever received during our positively memorable three months of unrestrained passion in CT. It was my mistake for believing in him! I wanted to show him that I was willing to try to make him fall for me, if he only gave me a chance at entering his heart. But now, the rejection, the barrier, the indifference, and the “wham boom thank you maam (i.e. no kissing),” all of that has hurt me so much that I think that I no longer wish to ask him for a chance to get to know me better as a girlfriend. I mean, these past days he has been asking me about my family, my career, school, just about everything, and I have told him all about me. I have nothing to hide. I like the fact that he is inquiring all this information about me, BUT this could be good or bad. Why? Because it could mean one of two things: he either wants to get to know me better or he is making me do all the talking so that I won’t inquire about his life. Then again, he was probably making petty conversation, in order to deflect the obvious awkwardness he sees in me, but pretends not to and won’t inquire about. On Saturday, I was sad and weepy all day long because I needed 24 hours to emotionally process the diclosure he made on the previous evening right after we had sex. That day he almost caught me wiping the tears from my eyes, but he did catch me blowing my nose. He then pretended not to notice anything strange; he didn’t ask if I had allergies or had been crying. He simply steered clear from any specifics. Yo soy una mujer que lucha por lo que quiere y lo que se propone a conseguir, pero en este caso no creo que me queden ganas de tratar de conquistar a TX guy. I always believe that where there’s a will there’s a way. But then how am I to conquer a man, who has closed himself off emotionally to me, someone who finds me attractive enough to sleep with me, but won’t view me as girlfriend material? Como debo luchar para conquistarlo si seria peor que tratar de nadar contra la corriente? Fuera distinto, si el me diese una oportunidad para demostrarle lo fenomenal que soy como novia, pero es obvio que ni siquiera un trial run me dara. –I mean, ya que su ex-novia fue la que implied una posible reconciliacion, yo pienso que el puede pedirle a ella tiempo para pensarlo. Entonces mientras el tomaria su tiempo pues me podria brindar a mi la oportunidad que he deseado desde que lo conoci en el 2002. I mean, if she waited this long to contact him to supposedly get back together, then why couldn’t she wait some more time? Que yo sepa sus dias no estan contados. It is my turn now. I want a chance to be his girlfriend. Yo fui tan cobarde y orgullosa mientras nos veiamos en CT, que nunca le pide una oportunidad, pero ahora es distinto. What do I have to loose now? Things can’t get any worse than what they have been since Friday night. By the way, was Friday night, the 13th day of the month? Because it sure felt like one of those horrid moments to be expected of a Friday the 13th. I MUST talk to him today, sin falta, we only have two nights left together. It is now or never! Yo me acuerdo como era el en CT. El era fanatico al gimnasio, seguia una dieta, estaba al pendiente de sus body mass and measurements. Tambien me acuerdo que se afeitaba la cabeza frequentemente y su facial hair. TX guy hoy dia, me cuenta que se afeita la cara y la cabeza solo una vez por semana. Mas como a casi todos nos pasa, permitio que se le incrementara la cintura. Ustedes creen que a mi me importa o me molesta estas cosas que han cambiado de el? No! Porque a el yo lo deseo TAL Y COMO ES, Y MAS AHORA QUE NUNCA. I admire the well-rounded, intelligent man that he is. I admire the fact that he is not a home body that he likes to go out and engage in some physical activity. I like the fact that he comes up with ideas of his own about things to do. I like the fact that he is not afraid to be handy around the house. He is fun to be with and very interesting to hear what he has to say, whatever that may be. In spite of the coldness that I feel from him during daytime, I know that a good man lays inside of him, and that is who I’m attracted to. We all have issues, we are not perfect, he isn’t perfect but I am attracted to him despite his flaws. I am willing to overlook those minor things which make him imperfect. And I want to know everything there is to know about him, that I don’t already know. God help me! Esto no es un capricho porque he querido una relacion con el desde que el vivia en CT. Y pense que ahora y al fin me habia llegado la oportunidad. I want a chance; I really do. Distance is irrelevant. On another note, I will have 3-day weekends all throughout summer because I will only be in class from Mondays-Thursdays...not bad, right!
Quote of the day: "Life is all about taking risks!"
Sunday, April 17, 2005 :::
Just got back from the movie theaters. He actually likes watching romantic comedies a.k.a. “girlie films.” Can you believe that? I had never met a guy, who rather watch a romantic comedy over an action packed movie. Anyways today all day long I’ve felt the cold shoulder and I fear it will get worse as my departure time draws near. It sucks because he is being a real ass towards me in a totally cordial and polite way. He is treating me like JUST an acquaintance, in other words, he has broken his offers of giving me unlimited, passionate sex night and day, which he probably used to lure me here or he simply lied about those intentions. I feel SO REJECTED that it isn’t tolerable anymore. I didn’t want us to end up this way: him acting like a cold emotionless dick and me resenting him for it. I feel like crying right now. Why this had to happen to me? Is it a punishment from God for not continuing my celibacy? He is in bed right now, hasn’t touched me all day long, wouldn’t get in the shower until I left the bathroom. What a slap in the face! And he rests in bed comfortably without a care in the world except the fact of probably hoping for Wednesday morning to finally arrive to get rid of me. We went bike riding today and he rode his bike about half a mile away from me during most of the journey, so it was as if I was riding all six miles by myself. He won’t open the car door for me, and he certainly won’t hold my hand. –Despite his disclosure, he said that we could carry on and have a great time together during my stay as we had originally intended, but he hasn’t kept his end of the deal. This morning he played some romantic music CD’s while we ate breakfast and I almost burst out into tears because the songs were INCREDIBLY romantic Spanish songs. They were beautiful! I almost lost it. This evening, I had to take a stand against a romantic comedy movie, I mean this guy wants to kill me softly with romantic songs and movies. I utterly refused the romantic comedy and suggested something else, an unknown film…after all, anything was better than something with love, romance and a happy couple living life sweetly on the big screen. I can’t deal with watching that now, while I’m living/experiencing: desafecto, desamor, etc. I didn’t have lunch today nor dinner. I am starving right now, but don’t want to go eat by myself and dwell in my loneliness. I swear that after this experience, I must join a convent, to purge my sexual appetite forever. That’s it for me and men. The ones that I set my eyes on are ALL the same deep down in their core. My picker is permanently broken. I have always known that he could be a real dick at times…not just a dick, a selfish dick. I thought that after two years he had changed, but no he is just as bad now, or worse than ever. How can someone be so emotionally removed, so cold yet show his softer side by admiring girlie films and enjoying super romantic love songs? What the hell is up with that? Why did I have to notice him and like him and fall for him? He surely doesn’t appreciate my interest nor feelings for him. He just doesn’t give a damn about it. Everyday, I try to make myself pretty and irresistible, but that is to no avail; purely useless. So sad, so sad, a damn shame that I am here under his nose and he doesn’t appreciate me, instead my presence here is taken for granted. Soy un zero a la izquierda para el. All I want to do is cry for being here as a fool, who believed him and all his luring tactics. Que buena pendeja fui. Soy una verdadera idiota. You guys know what gets me about him? The fact that he knows that there is something very wrong with me, but won’t ask me or mention it, nor anything alluding to it. How smart, he is playing the game of avoidance! I’ve been experiencing emotional highs and lows, mostly lows since the evening of his disclosure. I have cried in hiding and when I can’t cry no more because he is present, then I drown my ears in music downloaded on my computer. I play the music loudly in order to expel the downhearted and blue feelings that come over me. I’ve led him to believe that I customarily do my school work while playing the loud music. However, my reality is that music is my method of working out stresses or sadness in my life. Right now, I am experiencing such, so my only refuge is to soak my brain in loud music. There are so many things that I would like to openly tell him, but I never find the right time. What will I do? After tonight, we’ll only have two more nights “together.”
I don’t know how to act with him anymore. I haven’t showered with him and don’t know if that will happen at all. I see him and want to hold him and kiss him and just feel his body embracing mine, but now that he has given me his disclosure, I have refrained from approaching him. You people don’t know how depressing, saddening and frustrating, it is to have someone in front of you, who you are extremely attracted to in all the aspects: physical, mental and personal, that you can’t touch basically, until they initiate something to clue you in that it is okay to touch now because we are going to have sex shortly thereafter. It is like he is running the show. He controls the situation and exactly what goes down and when it occurs. Right now, I am simply going along with his imposed rules of the “game.” This reunion definitely didn’t go as planned. I expected getting a lot of physical contact. You know, not be able to keep our hands off each other. Unfortunately, my touches to him are restricted and that sucks sooooo much!!!! Damn it, how can things get so fucked up for me!!!! It isn’t fair at all. I am being deprived of affection from a man, who claims to care for me and enjoy fucking me. Is six nights too much to ask for? I tell you, it just sucks to be me!!! I haven’t even been able to be my real, normal self after his disclosure. I am usually so playful, very hands on, seductive, full of passion, but because of the limitations, I feel awkward to do anything in fear of his rejection. I’m sure that he has noticed, but prefers not ask me about it. Yesterday, to top things off, he showed me pictures of this 40 something year old woman that looks like she could be the mom of two kids aged six and younger. I wasn’t impressed at all. And if she was hot, I would be the first to say so because I don’t bullshit. I say things exactly as I see them. Anyhow, I looked at her and asked myself what does he see in her? I mean, young guys seem to forget that just because an older woman is tolerably attractive now, it sure as hell doesn’t mean that in ten years when she is starting to receive membership literature from the AARP, has her onset of menopause, and her body and face aren’t spiffy anymore, yet the guy is still looking sharply in his prime years, that he will still view her as tolerably attractive as when he first met her. He should have never showed me the photo. What a dilemma! I am the only person that I know that shit like this would happen to. What is the matter with me? I pick the wrong men!!! When will this stop? This guy is so great in many ways, but doesn’t want me for anything other than a bootycall. He doesn’t want me as a girlfriend. Why not? This is what I am trying to understand, but can’t come up with any reasons why he won’t view me as a potential girlfriend. What doesn’t he like about me, in order to ban me from the potential girlfriend category. No entiendo. Cada vez que me enfrento a esta realidad que vivo durante estos dias aqui me entristece y me deprime. Todos los dias me quedo observandolo y miles de pensamientos bonitos de admiracion hacia el corren por mi cabeza. Pero debo parar de admirarlo tanto porque me duele el saber que nunca sera mio aunque lo tenga fisicamente aqui ahora. Siento que lo mas que lo miro, mas me regresan los sentimiento que tuve por el en el pasado…como si me estuviese enamorando de nuevo, de un amor imposible y eso duele mucho. Por ahora decidi quedarme con el durante el tiempo que me resta aqui en TX. Mi amiga me ofrecio alojamiento si lo precindia. Sere masoquista? Quedarme con un hombre que me tiene limitado el contacto fisico, un hombre que piensa regresar con su ex-novia, un hombre que nunca me ha visto con ojos de pareja sino de lujuria, y un hombre que me dijo que un nuevo reencuentro entre nosotros nunca ocurrira. Pero ya estoy aqui y no quiero alejarme de el hasta que me llegue el dia de partir. El poquito de contacto fisico que me permite cuando vamos a tener sexo, me conforma un poco porque me alegra tocarlo y sentir el calor de su cuerpo junto a mi. Si, esto suena como una estupidez mia decir eso porque no hay ninguna razon por la cual yo debo comformarme con tan poco pero que mas da. Mas no entiendo porque el incinuo que le remoldia la conciencia el estar conmigo ahora que su ex lo contacto, I mean, el antes de dejar a su novia me habia sugerido un encuentro romantico, as long as I had no problems with the fact that he had a girlfriend. So, que pasa ahora? Porque ahora que no tiene novia, he supposedly feels guilty? I wish he understood that the reason I remained in contact with him throughout these years was because I still thought about him, tried to compare others to him, and because I was hoping that someday we would have a chance at love. What a shame, it was ONLY me thinking about such!!!! I wish I could muster the guts to tell him exactly how I feel. Why is it so wrong to give me a chance?
Saturday, April 16, 2005 :::
Hi fellow bloggers, How are you guys doing? It’s been a while. I have been so busy with school, but things are starting to wind down; thank God! I now write to you from TX. I am here for a romantic reunion with a former lover. However things don’t always go as planned. What I mean to say is that I should never forget the line from the movie Indecent Proposal when Demi Moore said to Robert Redford “From where we began, we’ve got nowhere to go.” Unfortunately, I forgot about that line within the communications leading to my reunion/bootycall or whatever you guys wish to call, with TX guy. Now, I feel somewhat downhearted, blue, awkward, stupid, etc. I should have known that my usual scenario with men is that I am only wanted for sexual performance. I know that I’ve said this before but I need to say it again, “I am so tired of being looked upon as a sexpot, as if I carry a sign over me saying “check me out I’m a great lay!” Why do I lay my eyes on men, who are totally not emotionally available to me, me and me? It sucks to be me. I have beauty, body and brains…the three b’s, but what the hell is that good for? Not a damn thing!!!! I feel like a dumbass to think otherwise, that perhaps in this escape we would actually have the start of something to slowly continue into a relationship. But that won’t be the case. Nope, not a chance. He only views me as the former bootycall girl. I don’t like to continue to be seen as that term or role, but I guess it goes well with what my role is right here, right now. It is just like that movie’s line…we’ve got no where to go from how we started. –But tell me, if it has worked for other people, then why shouldn’t it work for me? Naïve me thought/hoped for something more. What an idiot! When will I learn? I wish I didn’t have moral values that prevent me from engaging in meaningless sex with anyone who turned me on. BUT I do and that is my problem. I attribute much of the physical act of sex with mental/emotional sex, so I cannot just give myself, soul and body to anybody for a 10-minute sexual interlude. Anyhow, I just tried to get a hold of three of my best friends, and ended up talking to their answering machines. I even cried a little on two of those machines. I really couldn’t help it. I had to take advantage that TX guy went to the store; otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to openly allow myself to become sentimental. I hate that about me…I contain my sentimental feelings both verbally or tear-wise. I hate to show my vulnerability. I hate to show that I am hurt. I hate to show that my sentimental side/my emotions have gotten in the way and that now, once again my heart is disappointed. TX guy told me that he will most likely reconcile with his ex-girlfriend within the next 30-60 days, whenever they meet up. He claims to miss her. But doesn’t have the certainty that he loves her now, although he didn’t love her when they were an actual couple. He attributes it to wanting something back once it is gone. I don’t know what to make of that. I mean, I believe that alike all men aged 45 and under, he just doesn’t have a clue about what he really wants. I do appreciate his honesty or disclaimer whatever you guys wish to call his disclosure. But it was painful, VERY painful to hear. It happened right before dinner and I, of course lost my appetite. But I was quite strong this time because usually when I hear unpleasant news, I become instantaneously sick in my stomach, but it didn’t happen on this occasion. He asked me to say something after he was done, but I had nothing to say. What was I going to say to what he just told me?? My worst nightmare had just come true! I was silenced by my own shock from what I had just heard. I fell for him back in summer 2002, when we had three blissful months of intense unbarred, unrestraint passion. I had NEVER in my life experience that. I viewed him as having a different personal flair about him. I still don’t know what it is, but it still attracts me. He is educated, tall, handsome, well versed, responsible worker, family-oriented, cat-lover, metrosexual, passionately intense and has a hearty sexual appetite. He is mature, at least for every other aspect of life except relationships. I don’t know how I ended up so hooked on him. I mean, I had NEVER in my life imagined being with a bald-headed man. Not me, especially since before him, I used to revere being able to run my fingers through a man’s head. I don’t care for any other baldheaded men…I still revere nice, straight hair. However, TX guy just won me over so well with his personality. He simply stood out from the rest by his personality and the way he carried himself! How can he not realize that my visit was to spend time with him intimately and to hopefully try to get to his heart? How can he at his age not realize that for most women the act of sex is as much physical as emotional? I mean, I am single and he is single, so why not? I thought that I might have stood a chance with him. I didn’t come all the way to TX to get laid. It would have been cheaper for me to stay in New England and just allow one of my many suitors to get what they all die for; however I AM NOT LIKE THAT!!! I came to TX because my old feelings for him were sparking up again. I wanted to see if he’d finally give me the chance that I never got in CT because he was scheduled to move away shortly after our affair began. I feel jipped, over and over again. Why must he consider going back with his ex, when I’ve wanted a chance to be his girlfriend for the LONGEST time? Why not me? A trial run, a chance at showing him my girlfriend role. Damn it, I am the complete package: loving, affectionate, caring, attentive, playful, family oriented, honest, loyal, mature, like physical activity (bowling, canoeing, cycling, tennis, billiards, swimming, speed walking, fishing, camping, dancing), hate drama and have body, beauty, brains, good moral values and Christian principles. What more can a man ask for? I am here now and except for when we are being intimate, TX guy carries a metal armour impermeable to interior and exterior emotions. He is keeping himself at the side lines, emotionally uninvolved, which in turn kind of makes me feel like a call girl since he paid half of my airfare to come here. How convenient for him, a healthy and clean call girl!
Quote of the day: "Life is a box of chocolate...you never know what you are going to get"
