Thursday, April 21, 2005 :::
I am here in the office, feeling down and heavy-hearted, as if I had a lot of things to say, but nobody to listen to me. I feel like I have something in my chest, that my soul is frozen, that I must lay outside under the sun to thaw what has been frozen over. I am getting sleepy and I'm not very hungry. I would like to sleep my cares away, but I know that life doesn't work that way. I MUST face reality, and my reality is that the last 9 hours that I spent with TX guy were a farse, a great act, that he scripted in order to make my departure less depressive. However, right now what I feel is anger because for that moment, I thought that he actually meant to do the behavior which he portrayed throughout our last hours together, but it wasn't so. He didn't mean ANY of it. I would have rather not been with him during that last night. I feel once again fooled. I mean, I had already felt used up until that night, but to now, add to it feeling fooled is not pleasant at all. It upsets me that I didn't reject him, that once again I fell in his trap. How dumb can I be? He fooled me up through the very end of our encounter. I thought that the mere fact that he repeatedly asked for forgiveness, meant that he was honestly sorry, but I see that wasn't the case. It has already been 24 hours since our last communication. And I can swear to you guys that he won't contact me. You see, I have sent him several casual text messages and e-mails which he hasn't replied to. He found the time to communicate with me before my visit, then suddenly, is he too busy now to do so? Nah, he just doesn't want to.
