Saturday, April 16, 2005 :::
Hi fellow bloggers, How are you guys doing? It’s been a while. I have been so busy with school, but things are starting to wind down; thank God! I now write to you from TX. I am here for a romantic reunion with a former lover. However things don’t always go as planned. What I mean to say is that I should never forget the line from the movie Indecent Proposal when Demi Moore said to Robert Redford “From where we began, we’ve got nowhere to go.” Unfortunately, I forgot about that line within the communications leading to my reunion/bootycall or whatever you guys wish to call, with TX guy. Now, I feel somewhat downhearted, blue, awkward, stupid, etc. I should have known that my usual scenario with men is that I am only wanted for sexual performance. I know that I’ve said this before but I need to say it again, “I am so tired of being looked upon as a sexpot, as if I carry a sign over me saying “check me out I’m a great lay!” Why do I lay my eyes on men, who are totally not emotionally available to me, me and me? It sucks to be me. I have beauty, body and brains…the three b’s, but what the hell is that good for? Not a damn thing!!!! I feel like a dumbass to think otherwise, that perhaps in this escape we would actually have the start of something to slowly continue into a relationship. But that won’t be the case. Nope, not a chance. He only views me as the former bootycall girl. I don’t like to continue to be seen as that term or role, but I guess it goes well with what my role is right here, right now. It is just like that movie’s line…we’ve got no where to go from how we started. –But tell me, if it has worked for other people, then why shouldn’t it work for me? Naïve me thought/hoped for something more. What an idiot! When will I learn? I wish I didn’t have moral values that prevent me from engaging in meaningless sex with anyone who turned me on. BUT I do and that is my problem. I attribute much of the physical act of sex with mental/emotional sex, so I cannot just give myself, soul and body to anybody for a 10-minute sexual interlude. Anyhow, I just tried to get a hold of three of my best friends, and ended up talking to their answering machines. I even cried a little on two of those machines. I really couldn’t help it. I had to take advantage that TX guy went to the store; otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to openly allow myself to become sentimental. I hate that about me…I contain my sentimental feelings both verbally or tear-wise. I hate to show my vulnerability. I hate to show that I am hurt. I hate to show that my sentimental side/my emotions have gotten in the way and that now, once again my heart is disappointed. TX guy told me that he will most likely reconcile with his ex-girlfriend within the next 30-60 days, whenever they meet up. He claims to miss her. But doesn’t have the certainty that he loves her now, although he didn’t love her when they were an actual couple. He attributes it to wanting something back once it is gone. I don’t know what to make of that. I mean, I believe that alike all men aged 45 and under, he just doesn’t have a clue about what he really wants. I do appreciate his honesty or disclaimer whatever you guys wish to call his disclosure. But it was painful, VERY painful to hear. It happened right before dinner and I, of course lost my appetite. But I was quite strong this time because usually when I hear unpleasant news, I become instantaneously sick in my stomach, but it didn’t happen on this occasion. He asked me to say something after he was done, but I had nothing to say. What was I going to say to what he just told me?? My worst nightmare had just come true! I was silenced by my own shock from what I had just heard. I fell for him back in summer 2002, when we had three blissful months of intense unbarred, unrestraint passion. I had NEVER in my life experience that. I viewed him as having a different personal flair about him. I still don’t know what it is, but it still attracts me. He is educated, tall, handsome, well versed, responsible worker, family-oriented, cat-lover, metrosexual, passionately intense and has a hearty sexual appetite. He is mature, at least for every other aspect of life except relationships. I don’t know how I ended up so hooked on him. I mean, I had NEVER in my life imagined being with a bald-headed man. Not me, especially since before him, I used to revere being able to run my fingers through a man’s head. I don’t care for any other baldheaded men…I still revere nice, straight hair. However, TX guy just won me over so well with his personality. He simply stood out from the rest by his personality and the way he carried himself! How can he not realize that my visit was to spend time with him intimately and to hopefully try to get to his heart? How can he at his age not realize that for most women the act of sex is as much physical as emotional? I mean, I am single and he is single, so why not? I thought that I might have stood a chance with him. I didn’t come all the way to TX to get laid. It would have been cheaper for me to stay in New England and just allow one of my many suitors to get what they all die for; however I AM NOT LIKE THAT!!! I came to TX because my old feelings for him were sparking up again. I wanted to see if he’d finally give me the chance that I never got in CT because he was scheduled to move away shortly after our affair began. I feel jipped, over and over again. Why must he consider going back with his ex, when I’ve wanted a chance to be his girlfriend for the LONGEST time? Why not me? A trial run, a chance at showing him my girlfriend role. Damn it, I am the complete package: loving, affectionate, caring, attentive, playful, family oriented, honest, loyal, mature, like physical activity (bowling, canoeing, cycling, tennis, billiards, swimming, speed walking, fishing, camping, dancing), hate drama and have body, beauty, brains, good moral values and Christian principles. What more can a man ask for? I am here now and except for when we are being intimate, TX guy carries a metal armour impermeable to interior and exterior emotions. He is keeping himself at the side lines, emotionally uninvolved, which in turn kind of makes me feel like a call girl since he paid half of my airfare to come here. How convenient for him, a healthy and clean call girl!
Quote of the day: "Life is a box of chocolate...you never know what you are going to get"
