Wednesday, April 20, 2005 :::
I am at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport waiting for my flight. I woke up today at 5 a.m. Bloggers, I finally let TX guy know what was going on with me. I simply had him read the posts of the past 4 days. It was easier that way, in order to not leave anything out. I almost thought that it wouldn’t happen again because after we returned to the house from having dinner, he jumped in bed and was very ready to fall asleep. I had to convince him somehow to please read what I’d written because it pertained to him. So he read it, while I awaited in another room. I was so nervous. I began to continuously pray the Our Father and Hail Mary. Once he was done reading the posts, he fetched me from the other room. I wasn’t as nervous to hear what he had to say because I knew that it just could not be worse than what I had heard on Friday evening. So I took a deep breath and listened. I think that we spoke for about an hour. He explained his behaviors, etc. I listened attentively. He basically told me that as far as kissing, and other types of portrayals of affection, he said that he has changed and that he no longer exhibits these unless they are heart-felt. He told me that when he expressed these in CT, he didn’t feel them. He implied that I was his rebound girl while in CT because he had just gotten out of a longterm relationship/engagement. He then told me that he didn't know me well enough, that he just doesn't immediately start a relationship. He said that he takes his time getting to know the person by going out with them and learning about them. He said that we haven't had the opportunity to do so. Then at one point, he said that we were different people. I then asked him how could he be so sure of us being different people, if he had just got done stating that he didn't know me well? At that moment, TX guy agreed with me and had no other choice but to retract his comment of us supposedly being different people. He also tried to imply that perhaps I fell in love quickly. I told him that if that was the case, then I would have had vast quantities of boyfriends. But I don't because I am carefully selective. Then he attempted to incinuate that I started relationships too soon without really knowing the person, and that in contrast, he took his time. I told him that one never gets to really know someone until after you've lived with them and they feel at liberty to show you their true colors. After all, not everyone wears their heart, thoughts and possible behaviors and actions on their sleeve. TX guy doesn't understand this because he hasn't experienced dating individuals, who hide their true personalities. Anyhow, with further discussion, the getting to know someone issue that he had raised in order to depict me as rushing into things, came to be simply a matter of the terminology used. What I mean by that is that at the beginning phase of getting to know someone, he doesn't call it dating, he calls it going out. In my opinion, if you are going out with the same person frequently in order to get to know them better, those are dates, therefore you are technically dating. If something comes about from those dates, then you decide as a couple to exclusively start seeing each other/become boyfriend-girlfriend/start dating. The thing here is that there are many ways to call the stages one goes through when getting to know someone to possibly get into a relationship with them, and some of these terms or phrases are similar for both the beginning phase and the actual relationship stage. That's where there could be confusion, and obviously for a moment, that's where TX guy and I were stuck debating until it dawned on me that we were talking about the same thing except identifying it with different terms. Then he approaches me and stares into my eyes and caresses my cheek and leans over to give me a small kiss, a peck, and then embraces me. I thought that was so sweet and tender of him to do to me. He remained close, as he continued to talk to me and then repeated his tender gesture towards me. I held my breath as if that would make our tender moment stand still in time, yet I tried to not get too excited about the gesture because it may stop at any moment. He was so warm. As I looked deep into his eyes, and he stared deep into mine, I swear that I was lost in the moment. Nothing else mattered, just the fact that he and I were there face to face. TX guy continued to make his tender gestures intermittently as we spoke. I was in heaven just by the mere fact of having him so close to me and to be able to touch him without fear of rejection. After all was said, he really began kissing me exactly the way that I LOVE to be kissed. I couldn’t believe it. Was I dreaming? Was that really happening to me even after he said that he could no longer be that way with somebody unless it was heart-felt? I don’t want to call it made love or had sex, I just won’t call it anything. But I am very happy today! He even held me almost all through the night. I had a beautiful night! I felt so lucky to have had him like that. It was almost heaven. But were those actions an utter charity simply because I was leaving early the next morning, because he felt sorry for me for having had been so sad and disappointed with our encounter or was it heart-felt?? You guys know the answer to that. This morning, TX guy was affectionate towards me right before I finished getting dressed. He embraced and kissed me. It felt so magical to be laying in his arms, feeling such tenderness eminatting from him. Once we were ready to leave his house, I felt a bit sad to not know or believe that I'd ever again be visiting that cute, charming and quaint home of his. You know, sometimes a house takes several years until it is made to feel like a home. However, TX guy in about 15 months has made his house into a very welcoming and cozy home. That is quite admirable. I enjoyed assisting him with small details of work around the house. I'd watch him through the bedroom window, as he worked on the yard. He is so great at that and anything else that he does. Yesterday, I practiced my chip shot in his backyard. Boy, time sure does kill your swing if you don't continuously practice. I was having difficulties giving the ball some elevation. A few times, I managed a to hit the golf ball just right, but it was more times that the ball simply skipped through the ground to its destination. However, in my own defense, I'd like to say that I was playing with a 9 iron that had a shaft too long for my height. Plus, I was afraid of killing the shit out of hit grass. We had an interesting experience for dinner last night. Yes, we went to this small bistro which we had attempted to dine at last Saturday, but it had been booked. Anyhow, we pull up in front of the restaurant, and looked at the hours of operation. To our disbelief, the sign on the door said that they were open for lunch on Mondays-Wednesdays, and dinner on Thursdays-Saurdays, so TX guy asked me to step outside and take a closer look and see if indeed they wer closed. And I did, I approached the door and read the sign again, yet prior to walking away, I felt compelled to pull on the door, which to my surprise opened to show a number of people inside. As I entered the establishment with a puzzled look on my face and began to question what I'd read on the door. Suddenly, this well-suited polite man approached me. I thought that he was a host, but he was the owner. He explained that the restaurant was actually closed, but they had a special group to cater to that night. He told me their hours of operation, and then said that he would ask if I could stay for dinner. He told me that he didn't mind me staying for dinner, but would ask the chef to see if she was okay with it. Then the chef came over told me the specific entrees they had for the group, told me that she didn't mind me staying for dinner, as long as I had no problems with sitting in the back of the restaurant by the large glass window. I then, told her that I must go outside and ask my dinner date, to see if he was okay with it. Then I went outside feeling all proud of myself for landing an unusual dinner approval. I told TX guy that being beautiful has its perks. He laughed and we went inside the restaurant to our table. Soon I noticed that our waiter was gay and had a soft spot for TX guy. LOL! It was so funny to watch him watching being cute towards TX guy. I let TX guy know what was happening under his nose. He then, of course, began feeling a bit uncomfortable with the waiter since he should have been addressing the both of us, but instead he mostly addressed TX guy. The waiter even called him sweety at one point, and TX guy didn't even notice although he asked him to repeat himself. But when the waiter repeated himself, he was smart enough to leave out th term of endearment. I was cracking up! I even struck up a conversation with the waiter,in order for him to remain at tableside longer and watch him act flirtatious towards TX guy. I am so mean! LOL!!! TX guy told me last night that I didn't know him completely. For example, that I had not witnessed his behavior when he is angry. I agree, I haven't seen that side of him, but I am wiser as far as what hints do people give off that represent disturbed personalities. TX guy seems to be the type of person to get angry like the average individual within certain self-imposed limits. He appears to have no anger management issues. I mean, my ex-husband had given me a few observable hints to his anger mismanagement, that was one of the reasons that I cancelled the wedding three months before the date. CA guy had given me hints over the telephone about his problem by sharing his thoughts about people in general, and some of his actions. I know by now how to detect those types of hints and stear clear from men with such issues. TX guy is so funny with his sarcastic humor. What makes it more fun for me is to come up with creative ways to return that type of humor. Gotta love it!! Got to love a guy, who is corageous enough to get up and sing Karaoke at a bar in Miami. Lord knows, that I have never done so yet because my friends don't like Karaoke and because of my likely stagefright, although I could easily get over it, after my first performance. While waiting at the shuttle bus station, we sat next to each other and he caressed my hair and told me not to be sad. I told him that I was okay, and then asked him if we would remain in contact with each other, and he said yes. I was so happy to hear that, although right now I am skeptical about his real intentions to stay in touch with me. Once it came time for me to get on the bus, we said our goodbyes. We gave each other a long embrace and kissed each other, although not on the lips. As he held me, he apologized yet again, and told me that the next time would be much better. I then had him repeat himself since on Friday evening, he had told me that we should not and would not have another intimate encounter again. TX guy repeated himself, and again I heard how he clearly said "next time will be much better." I wanted to believe that and to allow my heart to skip a beat at the thought of being with him again, but I couldn't drive my spirits up enough for such statement because I still had Friday's statement too present in my head, and I took today's as an unmeant slip of the tongue. Soon reality will hit me and it won't be pleasant simply saddening.
Quote of the day: "Allow at least the smallest ray of sunlight to shine on you whenever you get that chance."
