Sunday, April 17, 2005 :::
Just got back from the movie theaters. He actually likes watching romantic comedies a.k.a. “girlie films.” Can you believe that? I had never met a guy, who rather watch a romantic comedy over an action packed movie. Anyways today all day long I’ve felt the cold shoulder and I fear it will get worse as my departure time draws near. It sucks because he is being a real ass towards me in a totally cordial and polite way. He is treating me like JUST an acquaintance, in other words, he has broken his offers of giving me unlimited, passionate sex night and day, which he probably used to lure me here or he simply lied about those intentions. I feel SO REJECTED that it isn’t tolerable anymore. I didn’t want us to end up this way: him acting like a cold emotionless dick and me resenting him for it. I feel like crying right now. Why this had to happen to me? Is it a punishment from God for not continuing my celibacy? He is in bed right now, hasn’t touched me all day long, wouldn’t get in the shower until I left the bathroom. What a slap in the face! And he rests in bed comfortably without a care in the world except the fact of probably hoping for Wednesday morning to finally arrive to get rid of me. We went bike riding today and he rode his bike about half a mile away from me during most of the journey, so it was as if I was riding all six miles by myself. He won’t open the car door for me, and he certainly won’t hold my hand. –Despite his disclosure, he said that we could carry on and have a great time together during my stay as we had originally intended, but he hasn’t kept his end of the deal. This morning he played some romantic music CD’s while we ate breakfast and I almost burst out into tears because the songs were INCREDIBLY romantic Spanish songs. They were beautiful! I almost lost it. This evening, I had to take a stand against a romantic comedy movie, I mean this guy wants to kill me softly with romantic songs and movies. I utterly refused the romantic comedy and suggested something else, an unknown film…after all, anything was better than something with love, romance and a happy couple living life sweetly on the big screen. I can’t deal with watching that now, while I’m living/experiencing: desafecto, desamor, etc. I didn’t have lunch today nor dinner. I am starving right now, but don’t want to go eat by myself and dwell in my loneliness. I swear that after this experience, I must join a convent, to purge my sexual appetite forever. That’s it for me and men. The ones that I set my eyes on are ALL the same deep down in their core. My picker is permanently broken. I have always known that he could be a real dick at times…not just a dick, a selfish dick. I thought that after two years he had changed, but no he is just as bad now, or worse than ever. How can someone be so emotionally removed, so cold yet show his softer side by admiring girlie films and enjoying super romantic love songs? What the hell is up with that? Why did I have to notice him and like him and fall for him? He surely doesn’t appreciate my interest nor feelings for him. He just doesn’t give a damn about it. Everyday, I try to make myself pretty and irresistible, but that is to no avail; purely useless. So sad, so sad, a damn shame that I am here under his nose and he doesn’t appreciate me, instead my presence here is taken for granted. Soy un zero a la izquierda para el. All I want to do is cry for being here as a fool, who believed him and all his luring tactics. Que buena pendeja fui. Soy una verdadera idiota. You guys know what gets me about him? The fact that he knows that there is something very wrong with me, but won’t ask me or mention it, nor anything alluding to it. How smart, he is playing the game of avoidance! I’ve been experiencing emotional highs and lows, mostly lows since the evening of his disclosure. I have cried in hiding and when I can’t cry no more because he is present, then I drown my ears in music downloaded on my computer. I play the music loudly in order to expel the downhearted and blue feelings that come over me. I’ve led him to believe that I customarily do my school work while playing the loud music. However, my reality is that music is my method of working out stresses or sadness in my life. Right now, I am experiencing such, so my only refuge is to soak my brain in loud music. There are so many things that I would like to openly tell him, but I never find the right time. What will I do? After tonight, we’ll only have two more nights “together.”
