Okay, yesterday afternoon M finally replied to the email I had sent him on Monday. I replied later on in the evening after I got back home from the mall. Should I have replied so soon instead of waiting several days to do so? I don't know. But I already did, so it's no use to dwell on the latter. Apparently his parents left back to CA yesterday. He told me he was going for an afternoon run and dinner with on of his best friends. He expressed his concerns over the past week's market rollercoaster, and his upcoming trip to CO. Anyways, I was pleased that he emailed me. I really was. Until this morning, when I decided to check his activity on his dating website. Until yesterday, the site displayed that it had been 3 weeks since his last loggin. This morning, I woke up with the sense of checking again, and unfortunately for me, as I feared, he had logged on. So what does that mean? It could mean many things that I am not willing to verify directly with him. For instance, he may be starting up his dating search again; or he may be just emptying out his inbox. Competition for a man in NYC is tight. By leaving for a month and a half, I basically pulled myself out of the competition. Was I kidding myself to think that three weekends of blissful dating would suffice into getting M to want to wait around 4 weeks for my return? He already spent a week of my time away with his parents. Too bad it wasn't for a longer period of time. The next week of distraction that he will spend will be at a conference in CO, where he will also be skiing. He works very hard, long hours. A thing that many in the financial sector have to deal with, and I didn't believe until I began getting to know M. These financial sector men work about 60 hours per week, if not more. They are not available for hanging out during the week unless it is in the late evening hours. With this being said, M told me that he doesn't usually go out during Monday through Thursday, mostly just Friday through Sunday. So there's 4 weekends at stake here, where he can go out with other women from the dating website. Plus, there is always the possibility of a persuassive cutie found on the site during my time of absentia, that may lure him to go out on any one of his non-customary outing nights.
Me? Well my friends have told me to chill out, let the chips fall where they may, only time will tell, and other cliched expressions of comfort and solidarity. I really appreciate my friends attempts to cheer me up and calm me down. That's what friends are for. And I am very lucky to be surrounded by such friendships. I really do need to stop thinking about things that I am not willing to change. I mean, if I really wanted to, I could change my return date, but I'm not willing to do such thing for a man, who is not my boyfriend, fiance, or husband. So far, all I have with M is a what? 1 month of communications prior to our 3 weekends of dates. In reality, this does not constitute much. Especially, not in NYC dating terms. So anybody reading these posts can clearly concur that I should chill the hell out, and just wait and see what happens. True! I'm hungry now. Got to go.
It’s Thursday, I arrived in Florida on Sunday from Connecticut. Last brief communication with M was on Sunday late afternoon via text messaging. Last meeting with M was Saturday, prior to his parent’s arrival in NYC from California. M and I had 2 weeks of attempting to get to know each other prior to my 6-week sabbatical/exile to Florida. We had e-mailed and spoken to each other over the telephone for approximately 5 weeks prior to our first date. I already felt a comfortable connection via telephone with M prior to meeting him face to face, so I had a strong feeling that we would click in person. And to my dismay, that’s exactly how it was. M and I began hanging out at the beginning of January, on the 5th. We went out for dinner and dancing. It was fun. We then met the following day for a casual afternoon date browsing through costume shops. The following weekend, we hung out all of Friday night, half day and all night Saturday, and all night Sunday when we became intimate. Then, this past weekend, when we spent all of Friday night and all of Saturday until 6:30pm. M is very intelligent, humorous, kind, classy, and metrosexual. He is a handsome, tall male, with a seductive flair. He likes to dance, listen to music, and sing karaoke. He is employed and likes the finer things in life. He seems to have an even temperament. I have fun with him no matter what we may be doing. It could be casual, it could be formal, anything. I just really enjoy his company. I am smitten by him.
So what’s going on right now? Well, M hasn’t been staying in touch with me while his parents have been in town staying with him. I also think that work may have been chaotic for him this week due to the stock market’s lows earlier this week. Now, I don’t want to make up excuses for M’s blatant disregard of my existence now that I am in Florida. I’m too nice that way. Always making excuses for men, who show that they don’t care about me, as I wish they did. M really has no excuse for not sending me at least a quick text saying hi, how are you. He could have replied to the email that I sent him on Monday or the text that I sent him last night, but he CHOSE not to. So, now I need to find distractions while here, so that I no longer have a thought about M cross my mind on a daily basis. It sucks to find myself again and again in these very same situations with men. Dating or attempting to date has become most difficult as I age. It frankly is the pits! Half of the time I don’t want to bother and the other half I get the sense of loneliness, where I want to finally find a mate to marry, settle down and have a couple of children. Am I going about this the wrong way? What am I doing wrong that I keep on finding and falling for emotionally unavailable men? I am going to turn 35 years old this year and it is highly concerning to think that it may not ever happen. I may never find that mate to marry. Sometimes I think that I may be cursed to be the type of girl that is highly desired by men but NEVER adored. And what good is it to be desired by most men, when I can NEVER find someone to call my own. I am an educated professional, feeling the void of womanhood. I never thought or imagined that I would ever feel this way, but after accomplishing what was always my primary goal, a graduate degree, a profession and financial independence, now I feel that the traditional woman roles are what’s missing in my life. Isn’t life ironic that way? I left Florida to improve my chances at love and make a good starting salary in my profession. Thirteen years in Orlando was more than enough time to find a mate, but it never happened. Today, I’ve got everything but romantic love. Regardless of where I relocate to, I still end up lacking romantic love. Why? Because I can’t escape life, I can’t escape me. As long as I continue to make poor choices in men, I will continue to live with the void.
Out of all my girlfriends, I have had the honor of meeting and dating only asshole men. As the years go by, I still have no answer as to why I only meet assholes and they meet nice men. Is it a curse? Have I been cursed? The only men that I know not to be assholes are four: 3-related and 1 best friend (my father, 2-nephews, and Taylor). How do I break the curse? Do I need one of those spiritual cleansings by a Santero?
Here in NYC, it appears that there's at least a 10:1 girl-guy ratio. Hence, I'm at a great disadvantage for finding a quality, prospective mate. I had heard some local females report on such ratio back in fall of 2004, but I thought that perhaps it was an exageration. However, to my dismay, it is VERY, VERY TRUE! The men I've met here thus far, have been egotistical assholes. These men know that they have a numerical advantage over women. They know that they have their pick of the litter here; all sizes, colors and ethnicities. They know that if one girl won't put out, there are at least 9 others who most likely will. They know that they don't need to rush into a monogamous or committed relationship when there's so much action to be had here in NYC with no strings attached.
As a single female, I think it's sick! One cannot find a decent, quality bootycall either!! By quality I mean, some good sex and a guarantee to get it at least once per week. Why can't I? Because men over here, are so self-centered that they will call you sporadically when they feel the sexual urge, BUT Lord forbid the woman call them to ask for the next encounter. In men's opinion, this would be a NO, NO, for only they can ask to have their urges satisfied. Men want this type of encounter to be initiated solely by them. Why? Because while they make a woman wait two weeks between encounters, they are able to fit into their schedules all of the other 9 sexual buddies. Pretty sickening isn't it!
So, out of all of the cities that I have lived in, so far the one where I consider men to be the BIGGEST, egotistical, self-entitled assholes is in NYC.
Quote of the day: Hang in, roll with the punches, NOT WITH THE DOGS!!
It's been over a year since my last post. A lot of things have happened. Men drama came and went! I graduated with my Master's degree! I moved to NYC! I've been employed ever since my move! And I'm truly enjoying all that NYC has to offer.
Honestly, I work more than play. I'm still working at acquiring a balance between my work and leisure time. I have a fabulously huge, 2-bedroom apartment all to myself! My building is a full-service building. I was very lucky to find this place!! I love my job, although I feel like I already need at least a three week vacation in a remote, exotic island. Overall, EVERYTHING is great. I cannot complain one bit, for I have been blessed!
Quote of the day: Focus on all the positives in your life and enjoy these to the fullest!
Thursday, June 02, 2005 :::
Hi fellow bloggers! How's summer treating you so far? I've been in FL for the past 3 weeks. School is intense. TX guy is dead to me. Yes, to hear someone humiliate you to the ultimate extreme, and produce an air of aristocracy, as if believing that he is better than you IS A MAJOR TURN OFF for me. This is what TX guy did this past holiday weekend and NOW, HE NO LONGER EXIST TO ME. --HE IS A PERSONA NON-GRATA, who now lives in that deep and dark, lost part of my brain called selective memory. I could state ALL to what I awakened to this weekend regarding his personality, but you know what? He is no longer worth my words: verbal or written.
My FL EXs' know that I'm in the state again for the summer and have already attempted to make contact, but frankly, I'm not in the mood for EXs' looking for a summer lay.
Tomorrow is my birthday. Wow, 32!
Next Friday, I fly out to Las Vegas, NV for my annual trip with my parents. I hope I win BIGGG!!!! Wish me luck!
Okay, since my awful holiday weekend, I've been thinking about what I will do immediately after graduation. Three thoughts come to mind: I will either move to CT for work, move to London, UK to work, or I will move to NYC to begin my nursing program at Columbia University. Moving to the UK to work seems just as exciting as moving to NYC to study. We will see whereI end up, this time next year.
My parents bought me a 2002 Mitsubishi Galant. It was a surprise they gave me on my day after returning home from MA. I am VERY HAPPY and APPRECIATIVE! My folks are TRULY KIND and GENEROUS!
I've spent a lot of money this summer...a lot more than I should have on a summer wardrobe. I'm beginning to think that as I age, that's when I should keep MOST ABREAST with current fashion trends.
The weather in FL was fabulous since I arrived, however it went down hill since Sunday. Now, it has been thunder storming EVERY MORNING between 4-5 a.m. I hope this pattern goes away soon because my flight to Vegas next friday leaves at 5 a.m. If it is delayed, then I won't make my connecting flight. Lord have MERCY!!!
Okay, enough for now. Peace!
Quote of the day: Say NO to life's little detours!!! These NEVER lead you anywhere!
Wednesday, May 04, 2005 :::
Hello Fellow Bloggers! How are you doing? I am well. School is almost over. I still have two final papers to write. I will be in FL next Tuesday. My summer classes begin on May 12. I will be a busy bee this entire summer, but I don't mind. I will be working towards my ultimate career goal and I am very happy about that. Now, to update you on TX guy, well what can I say. TX guy did not communicate with me for an entire week after I had returned to MA. Yes. I was very sad to have him confirm my fear of him no longer speaking to me. Throughout that time, I continued making attempts at communicating with him, but he would not reply at all. This was very upseting to me. Anyhow, when he finally sent me an e-mail, it stated that he no longer could engage in such type of relationship, and then gave me a "kiss-off" line, which read, "I wish you the best in life" and the he signed it "Love" and his name. I couldn't believe what he wrote because I interpreted it as a "goodbye, it was nice knowing you" short e-mail. I had given TX guy a choice within one of the communications that I had sent him, which was giving him the option to keep me as a friend or end our association completely. So you people must imagine how badly I felt to read that e-mail he had sent me. So I decided to call him at work. Yes, I blocked my number, just in case his workplace had caller ID. Thank God he answered and I greeted him and quickly asked him straight out, if such kiss off line meant that he no longer wished to be friends with me. TX guy answered "No, that's not what I meant. That's not what I was saying at all." To which I was relieved, yet confused AGAIN because he stated something in his e-mail, which not only me would have interpreted as a "kiss-off" line, but then verbally he stated something contradicting what he wrote. It sucks to be dealing with a man, who continuously gives contradictory statements because of his emotional confusion. Right now, we are back to communicating as we have always done in the past. Basically, we text message, e-mail each other and even phone each other and the subject matter is ALWAYS sex. I don't mind communicating with him even if it is only about sex. I know that eventually this will get old and boring for me and it will fade, but for now it will do. I have attempted to involve him in other topics specific to my life's current events, but he does not show interest nor is supportive, at least not over e-mail, or text messages. In person and maybe even over the phone, he would be most likely to engage in such conversation and express interest and support. TX guy is overly critical, which only depicts the level of self-criticism within him. Sometimes I feel that I can't share everything with him because he won't be supportive of me, instead I feel that he would most likely be judgmental and blame me for whatever issue I'm going through. I don't know what to do, in order to somewhat change the topic of our phone communications. Perhaps, I should call him at night and ask him about his day at work and then tell him about mine, and then end the conversation without discussing sex whatsoever. I could try to do that and see how it goes. Like once a week? I mean, I speak to my best friend almost everyday. We tell each other what we are going through and give each other advise. I know that boyfriends or partners usually are not this expressive towards their girlfriends or mates, or at least I haven't had any boyfriend or mate, who has acted in such way towards me. Does that really exist? Is that really possible within a relationship? Anyhow, perhaps TX guy and I are a loosing battle, a challenge that I aimed for because of its high level of difficulty. As you readers can tell, the pixie dust over my eyes and ears is diminishing and reality is crudely marching in. YES, nothing has change between he and I. But I can't complain because I told him that I wanted to keep him as a friend and practically begged him to continue communicating with me as he had always done so in the past. Now, that I have obtained the charity I asked him for, I am still not satisfied. Not surprising, right! I could fool him, but I can't fool myself. I still want more from him, but my reality proves that I won't be getting much more than our sexually explicit communications.
So in summation, my life as far as relationships go, is the pits. However, my educational life since it is something that I can control, is going great. I would love to have an equilibrium within these two aspects of my life, but I seem to never find a balance. Oh well, summer will have me so incredibly occupied that this whole issue with TX guy will soon REALLY become a thing from the past. Although, if he moves to FL AND seeks me during my time over there, then I will be in trouble because I won't be able to resist meeting up with him somewhere under the hot FL sun.
We'll see what summer 2005 has to offer me.
Quote of the day: Don't give up. Don't let anything stand in your way!
Thursday, April 21, 2005 :::
I am here in the office, feeling down and heavy-hearted, as if I had a lot of things to say, but nobody to listen to me. I feel like I have something in my chest, that my soul is frozen, that I must lay outside under the sun to thaw what has been frozen over. I am getting sleepy and I'm not very hungry. I would like to sleep my cares away, but I know that life doesn't work that way. I MUST face reality, and my reality is that the last 9 hours that I spent with TX guy were a farse, a great act, that he scripted in order to make my departure less depressive. However, right now what I feel is anger because for that moment, I thought that he actually meant to do the behavior which he portrayed throughout our last hours together, but it wasn't so. He didn't mean ANY of it. I would have rather not been with him during that last night. I feel once again fooled. I mean, I had already felt used up until that night, but to now, add to it feeling fooled is not pleasant at all. It upsets me that I didn't reject him, that once again I fell in his trap. How dumb can I be? He fooled me up through the very end of our encounter. I thought that the mere fact that he repeatedly asked for forgiveness, meant that he was honestly sorry, but I see that wasn't the case. It has already been 24 hours since our last communication. And I can swear to you guys that he won't contact me. You see, I have sent him several casual text messages and e-mails which he hasn't replied to. He found the time to communicate with me before my visit, then suddenly, is he too busy now to do so? Nah, he just doesn't want to.
Wednesday, April 20, 2005 :::
I am at the Dallas/Ft. Worth airport waiting for my flight. I woke up today at 5 a.m. Bloggers, I finally let TX guy know what was going on with me. I simply had him read the posts of the past 4 days. It was easier that way, in order to not leave anything out. I almost thought that it wouldn’t happen again because after we returned to the house from having dinner, he jumped in bed and was very ready to fall asleep. I had to convince him somehow to please read what I’d written because it pertained to him. So he read it, while I awaited in another room. I was so nervous. I began to continuously pray the Our Father and Hail Mary. Once he was done reading the posts, he fetched me from the other room. I wasn’t as nervous to hear what he had to say because I knew that it just could not be worse than what I had heard on Friday evening. So I took a deep breath and listened. I think that we spoke for about an hour. He explained his behaviors, etc. I listened attentively. He basically told me that as far as kissing, and other types of portrayals of affection, he said that he has changed and that he no longer exhibits these unless they are heart-felt. He told me that when he expressed these in CT, he didn’t feel them. He implied that I was his rebound girl while in CT because he had just gotten out of a longterm relationship/engagement. He then told me that he didn't know me well enough, that he just doesn't immediately start a relationship. He said that he takes his time getting to know the person by going out with them and learning about them. He said that we haven't had the opportunity to do so. Then at one point, he said that we were different people. I then asked him how could he be so sure of us being different people, if he had just got done stating that he didn't know me well? At that moment, TX guy agreed with me and had no other choice but to retract his comment of us supposedly being different people. He also tried to imply that perhaps I fell in love quickly. I told him that if that was the case, then I would have had vast quantities of boyfriends. But I don't because I am carefully selective. Then he attempted to incinuate that I started relationships too soon without really knowing the person, and that in contrast, he took his time. I told him that one never gets to really know someone until after you've lived with them and they feel at liberty to show you their true colors. After all, not everyone wears their heart, thoughts and possible behaviors and actions on their sleeve. TX guy doesn't understand this because he hasn't experienced dating individuals, who hide their true personalities. Anyhow, with further discussion, the getting to know someone issue that he had raised in order to depict me as rushing into things, came to be simply a matter of the terminology used. What I mean by that is that at the beginning phase of getting to know someone, he doesn't call it dating, he calls it going out. In my opinion, if you are going out with the same person frequently in order to get to know them better, those are dates, therefore you are technically dating. If something comes about from those dates, then you decide as a couple to exclusively start seeing each other/become boyfriend-girlfriend/start dating. The thing here is that there are many ways to call the stages one goes through when getting to know someone to possibly get into a relationship with them, and some of these terms or phrases are similar for both the beginning phase and the actual relationship stage. That's where there could be confusion, and obviously for a moment, that's where TX guy and I were stuck debating until it dawned on me that we were talking about the same thing except identifying it with different terms. Then he approaches me and stares into my eyes and caresses my cheek and leans over to give me a small kiss, a peck, and then embraces me. I thought that was so sweet and tender of him to do to me. He remained close, as he continued to talk to me and then repeated his tender gesture towards me. I held my breath as if that would make our tender moment stand still in time, yet I tried to not get too excited about the gesture because it may stop at any moment. He was so warm. As I looked deep into his eyes, and he stared deep into mine, I swear that I was lost in the moment. Nothing else mattered, just the fact that he and I were there face to face. TX guy continued to make his tender gestures intermittently as we spoke. I was in heaven just by the mere fact of having him so close to me and to be able to touch him without fear of rejection. After all was said, he really began kissing me exactly the way that I LOVE to be kissed. I couldn’t believe it. Was I dreaming? Was that really happening to me even after he said that he could no longer be that way with somebody unless it was heart-felt? I don’t want to call it made love or had sex, I just won’t call it anything. But I am very happy today! He even held me almost all through the night. I had a beautiful night! I felt so lucky to have had him like that. It was almost heaven. But were those actions an utter charity simply because I was leaving early the next morning, because he felt sorry for me for having had been so sad and disappointed with our encounter or was it heart-felt?? You guys know the answer to that. This morning, TX guy was affectionate towards me right before I finished getting dressed. He embraced and kissed me. It felt so magical to be laying in his arms, feeling such tenderness eminatting from him. Once we were ready to leave his house, I felt a bit sad to not know or believe that I'd ever again be visiting that cute, charming and quaint home of his. You know, sometimes a house takes several years until it is made to feel like a home. However, TX guy in about 15 months has made his house into a very welcoming and cozy home. That is quite admirable. I enjoyed assisting him with small details of work around the house. I'd watch him through the bedroom window, as he worked on the yard. He is so great at that and anything else that he does. Yesterday, I practiced my chip shot in his backyard. Boy, time sure does kill your swing if you don't continuously practice. I was having difficulties giving the ball some elevation. A few times, I managed a to hit the golf ball just right, but it was more times that the ball simply skipped through the ground to its destination. However, in my own defense, I'd like to say that I was playing with a 9 iron that had a shaft too long for my height. Plus, I was afraid of killing the shit out of hit grass. We had an interesting experience for dinner last night. Yes, we went to this small bistro which we had attempted to dine at last Saturday, but it had been booked. Anyhow, we pull up in front of the restaurant, and looked at the hours of operation. To our disbelief, the sign on the door said that they were open for lunch on Mondays-Wednesdays, and dinner on Thursdays-Saurdays, so TX guy asked me to step outside and take a closer look and see if indeed they wer closed. And I did, I approached the door and read the sign again, yet prior to walking away, I felt compelled to pull on the door, which to my surprise opened to show a number of people inside. As I entered the establishment with a puzzled look on my face and began to question what I'd read on the door. Suddenly, this well-suited polite man approached me. I thought that he was a host, but he was the owner. He explained that the restaurant was actually closed, but they had a special group to cater to that night. He told me their hours of operation, and then said that he would ask if I could stay for dinner. He told me that he didn't mind me staying for dinner, but would ask the chef to see if she was okay with it. Then the chef came over told me the specific entrees they had for the group, told me that she didn't mind me staying for dinner, as long as I had no problems with sitting in the back of the restaurant by the large glass window. I then, told her that I must go outside and ask my dinner date, to see if he was okay with it. Then I went outside feeling all proud of myself for landing an unusual dinner approval. I told TX guy that being beautiful has its perks. He laughed and we went inside the restaurant to our table. Soon I noticed that our waiter was gay and had a soft spot for TX guy. LOL! It was so funny to watch him watching being cute towards TX guy. I let TX guy know what was happening under his nose. He then, of course, began feeling a bit uncomfortable with the waiter since he should have been addressing the both of us, but instead he mostly addressed TX guy. The waiter even called him sweety at one point, and TX guy didn't even notice although he asked him to repeat himself. But when the waiter repeated himself, he was smart enough to leave out th term of endearment. I was cracking up! I even struck up a conversation with the waiter,in order for him to remain at tableside longer and watch him act flirtatious towards TX guy. I am so mean! LOL!!! TX guy told me last night that I didn't know him completely. For example, that I had not witnessed his behavior when he is angry. I agree, I haven't seen that side of him, but I am wiser as far as what hints do people give off that represent disturbed personalities. TX guy seems to be the type of person to get angry like the average individual within certain self-imposed limits. He appears to have no anger management issues. I mean, my ex-husband had given me a few observable hints to his anger mismanagement, that was one of the reasons that I cancelled the wedding three months before the date. CA guy had given me hints over the telephone about his problem by sharing his thoughts about people in general, and some of his actions. I know by now how to detect those types of hints and stear clear from men with such issues. TX guy is so funny with his sarcastic humor. What makes it more fun for me is to come up with creative ways to return that type of humor. Gotta love it!! Got to love a guy, who is corageous enough to get up and sing Karaoke at a bar in Miami. Lord knows, that I have never done so yet because my friends don't like Karaoke and because of my likely stagefright, although I could easily get over it, after my first performance. While waiting at the shuttle bus station, we sat next to each other and he caressed my hair and told me not to be sad. I told him that I was okay, and then asked him if we would remain in contact with each other, and he said yes. I was so happy to hear that, although right now I am skeptical about his real intentions to stay in touch with me. Once it came time for me to get on the bus, we said our goodbyes. We gave each other a long embrace and kissed each other, although not on the lips. As he held me, he apologized yet again, and told me that the next time would be much better. I then had him repeat himself since on Friday evening, he had told me that we should not and would not have another intimate encounter again. TX guy repeated himself, and again I heard how he clearly said "next time will be much better." I wanted to believe that and to allow my heart to skip a beat at the thought of being with him again, but I couldn't drive my spirits up enough for such statement because I still had Friday's statement too present in my head, and I took today's as an unmeant slip of the tongue. Soon reality will hit me and it won't be pleasant simply saddening.
Quote of the day: "Allow at least the smallest ray of sunlight to shine on you whenever you get that chance."
Tuesday, April 19, 2005 :::
Damn it, I didn’t get to talk to him about my feelings last night; I lost my opportunity, he got sleepy and that was it. Well, as expected, things went for the worse. Yesterday, I watched an adult video that got me real hot, so when he arrived from work I was ready to go. Plus he had heads up to that fact before he got here, so he was ready too. Anyhow, that was it for the day. No more sex after that. I wanted him to kiss me so badly, but of course that didn’t happen. I really feel now like one of those women in the video, who get fucked, and barely kissed. The difference is that I don’t get kissed at all. It was NEVER like this between us in CT! One of the things that turned me on most about him was the way he kissed me. Now I got NADA, zero, zilch. My naiveness got me in this situation and I stayed in hopes that it would at least be a replay of our CT days, but that wasn’t the case. This is so unfair. My friends said that even though this being a bootycall/fling whatever, that I ended up not having my needs met, that I got the bumb wrap on this deal. They are right. What he has done to me, I could have done myself by artificial means. I came over here for the personal touch of another warm body, yet instead got the cold shoulder. Last night while we slept, he basically didn’t approach me, be it consciously or unconsciously. At one VERY brief moment he turned to me and placed his arm around me, but as soon as I raised my hand from underneath the covers to lay it over his forearm, it only took him a minute to turn over and scoot away from me. That was it for last night. The rest of the other nights, he had been embracing me while we slept, at least twice per night. I didn’t initiate much of those embraces in fear of his rejection. Yesterday, he didn’t come to the house for lunch as he normally does because he supposedly had to meet with clients instead. Today, he won’t come to lunch either because he supposedly won’t return from Dallas until around 2 p.m. and plans to go into the office for the remaining hours of his workday. If you guys ask me, I call this avoidance, pre-parting separation, when one begins to reduce visual contact with someone, who is soon leaving. I recall this being a trait within TX guy because he had already done it to me just before he left CT. That is how he deals with impending loss. I understand him because I hate goodbyes as well because if you care, they do stir your emotions. I’m not proud to say it, but I’ve been cowardly enough to have done this in the past. And yes, it is a cowardly act to not have the guts to affront the fact that you are not going to see a particular person again, so instead you pull away from them way before they/you leave, in order to establish a bit of indifference between you, so that supposedly you won’t be affected by the loss. Why did things go so wrong? El poquito de felicidad y distraccion temporera que yo buscaba se convertio en un tormento emocional lleno de soledad y disatisfaccion. Que alguien que te guste se haga indiferente hacia ti es cruel. Durante la intimidad no cuenta porque eso fue solo penetracion, solamente dos veces, MUY breves intento estimularme oralmente. What a let down. Mas para colmo tuve que mentir la mayoria del tiempo cuando me preguntaba que si me habia gustado. El sabado cuando me fue besando desde la sala de visitas hasta su recamarra, yo les juro que estuve en las nubes, y cuando tuvimos sexo fue duradero, intenso, casi como en nuestros viejos tiempos. Desafortunadamente ese fue el unico dia que en verdad disfrute y senti en su boca su sed de pasion. Las demas veces el ha sido seco conmigo al iniciar el sexo y yo in turn was just as dry. No puedo creer que ya mañana me marcho y solo tengo para llevarme el recuerdo de esta gran desilucion. La noche del viernes cuando hizo el disclosure, me dijo algo within the lines of: no te conozco o apenas te conozco. Ustedes no saben lo mal e insultada que me senti al oirlo decir esas palabras. Especialmente cuando durante este reencuentro el NO utilizo preservativos, pero en cambio durante nuestros tres meses de intensa pasion en CT el los usaba conmigo sin falta. Que ha cambiado ahora?? What should I interpret from this??? Que en verdad el si siente que me conoce ahora lo suficiente para ya no temer el no usarlos durante nuestra intimidad, O que el estaba envuelto sexualmente con otras chicas apesar de mi mientras estabamos en CT y por eso los usaba sin falta en aquel entonces? I don’t know what to make of this because he was just sooo careful in CT when it came to practicing safe sex. Ademas, porque entonces pretender que usaria preservativos, to the point where we made a special trip to the pharmacy to buy some, si no los planeaba utilizar??? El en verdad me ha dado TANTOS mixed messages and contradictory statements. He is absolutely like the average guy, who doesn’t really know what he wants. For such guys, Shakespeare best stated it in Hamlet when he wrote the famous line, “To be or not to be[in a relationship] that is the question.” Hoy es una mañana lugubrious. Perhaps it is an insight to how the rest of the day and evening will pan out. I still can’t believe how insensitive he has been to me, expecting for me to get wet without foreplay; coño, yo no soy ni prostituta, ni una actriz de peliculas para adultos. In addition, I was so nervous on our first night together, after all, it had been a long time for me, yet he dared to say that I made him feel uncomfortable with my nervousness and discomfort. That was not nice of him at all. Yo precindia romance y passion desenfrenada como lo que el me brindo en CT. That is the only thing that gets me going for sex. Como es que el no sabe esto a su edad. Claro que lo sabe, pero con todo el proposito del mundo decidio utilizarme en la cama como a una cualquiera. El viernes, el me dijo que no deseaba faltarme al respeto, que eso no es su intencion. Well a lot has changed since then, and actions speak louder than words. And from what you guys have read here, TX guy has treated me like Richard Gere treated Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman during the week that she spent with him: very indifferent except when they had sex and he never kissed her. I can’t believe how sexually restrained I’ve had to be these days. I’m unhappy because this is totally out of character for me. I am a woman with a hearty sexual appetite, I’d chosen voluntary celibacy for the past two years, and when I finally decide (thanks to TX guy) that the time has come to end my celibate with a man from my past, who had lifted up my sexual spirits in ways that no man had ever before done so. What do I get in return=some sexual encounters that seemed like migajas de caridad. Like him trying to say, “here, you may have very little of this, after all, you’re already here” I thought that he wanted to turn me on and on and on, to elevate me as he had done so in the past, to release my wild animal nature, but today, I can tell you that was a thought so far from reality, that now all I’m left with is an empty feeling inside. Que tristeza tratarme asi cuando la unica razon que estoy aqui es por el y solo el, nadie mas. I wanted to be happy in his arms again, no one elses. How blind can he be? This wasn’t how it was supposed to be between us. We are both intensely passionate, sexual individuals. We work hard and when we play it is just as hard. Sexual compatibility is imperative for both of us, as is kissing compatibility. However, this time around has been NOTHING like our time in CT. This time he has made me feel like a carton of milk, that he will drink from when thirsty, then place back in the fridge keeping it cold until he becomes thirsty again and fetches it once more from the fridge. It is absolutely CRUEL to purposely deprive someone from awesome unrestrained sex, someone who had been celibate for 2 years and now wanted and expected to receive EVERYTHING she had fantasized about throughout those years, someone who was looking forward to once again let out her wild, passionate and insatiable sexual side. Although, my mom knows about him, I could never tell her about my trip here because she will make me feel as bad or worse (if there’s such a thing) than what I feel right now. Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why me? I am a good descent person, I didn’t deserve this cold treatment. It just isn’t fair! All I wanted was some TLC. Ahora me regreso a MA, sin amante futuro, sin potencial de tenerlo como novio y sin ninguna de las emociones sexuales fenomenales que el habia despertado en mi en CT, ni nuevos recuerdos del fuego intenso que se guarda secretamente bajo nuestra piel. I wanted him and thought that he wanted me just as much. I recall that he had even reached for my hand, when we were going to walk back to his car when we met at the airport on Thursday, and stupid me had turned to grab my luggage and noticed the hand only as it was retracting. That was the only and last attempt he did at holding my hand. Lord knows that I sincerely appreciate his cordial hospitality. But he has made more efforts at that than the sexscapade that he’d offered me to come here. Plus he is so good at carrying on as if nothing is wrong. Que lastima que todo esto haiga pasado como paso. I shouldn’t have had such high expectations of our reencuentro because now I am severely disappointed. I wanted someone to hold and that would make me feel special and cared for at least during my time here, something incredibly romantic, mind blowing, full of passion, seduction, sexual unrestraint, but all I ended up with was quickie sex exclusively at night time, when all that the other person wanted was simply to get off and fall right back to sleep. TX guy let me down severely. I didn’t expect that from him. And knowing that he will never be mine again as a lover nor to finally have him as a boyfriend, hurts like hell because I have A LOT of love, tenderness and devotion to give. I know how to treat a man and make him feel like he is the king of the castle. However, TX guy will never know all that I’m capable of giving him. At least this secret getaway me sirvio para distraerme de la escuela. Cuando regrese, I will be a wiser woman as far as love and relationships, and will be energized to finish my school year. TX guy has made me think and feel about everything but school. I enjoyed his company despite all I didn’t get out of this encounter. I enjoy analyzing his quirks. Having him near me was a breath of fresh air even though it wasn’t in the exact way I had envisioned. Watching him from head to toe made me want him more. He just appears to be such a wonderful man! Now that he owns a house he seems more mature. I don’t know what it is about homeownership that makes you learn responsibility towards your property and wise budgeting. I learned it when I was 23 years old. And those are wise habits that you never forget. Anyhow, seeing him taking care of his property with such enthusiasm was awesome. He appears to love his cute house, and it will be a shame the day he must again uproot himself, in order to follow his call of duty. I will miss him and I fear that after this disappointing event between us, that we may no longer remain in contact with each other. I care a lot about him, in spite of what didn’t happen during my stay. I will never forget him because as the overall man that he is, he happens to be exactly the type of man that I want for a boyfriend, mate or partner. I had noticed this in CT, but now the great qualities about him have matured along with him. I say this regardless of how poorly he managed the situation between us while I lodged with him. He sincerely is a great guy and I wish he were mine, all mine to show him how happy I can make him. It would be a dream come true to have a chance to date each other and see where things lead (if anywhere) and how things go. The KEY aspect to making that happen is to be open/receptive to the idea of trying it out to see what may come about. Well fellow bloggers, this might be the last post of the day. Tomorrow morning, I’ll be on my way to Dallas to catch my plane back to MA. Hope all is well and continues to be well for you.
Quote of the day: Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Life is all about giving yourself new opportunities, new experiences, and for you single people out there new loves. Until you find your TRUE love, you shouldn’t stop searching. Never settle for less because true love doesn’t come once in a lifetime. If you are a courageous, determined individual you will find it again.
Monday, April 18, 2005 :::
Although, I crave his body, his heat and his touch, I now officially feel like a living, breathing sex toy = a blowup doll. I still haven’t talked to him about my feelings. Tonight, as soon as I jumped into bed with him, he was initiating sex. I believe que el cariño y afecto NO se le niega a nadie. Mas yo no podria estar teniendo sexo con el, como lo estoy hacienda ahora sino sintiese cariño, afecto y atraccion por el. En este reencuentro yo esperaba cariño, afecto y mucho sexo tal como el continuamente me indico que asi seria, pero esto se ha convertido en el reencuentro “gone bad.” Yo NO he podido ser la mujer que antes era con el en la intimida: una mujer insaciable, iniciadora del sexo, seductora y apacionada, cariñosa, juguetona y afectuosa, ya que el redujo el fuego pasional que yo traia conmigo a senizas, que dia a dia se las va llevando el viento. Porque me hace esto? El aun no ha regresado con su novia, y yo aun estoy aqui, porque no darme felicidad durante estos pocos dias que vine a pasar con el, gracias a su invitacion? Que le pasa conmigo? Porque no me besa? Coño, el besarme es la mejor manera de turn me on. Acaso no se da cuenta que cuando no estoy lista para el sexo no es porque soy una mujer frigida o seca sino porque el NO me ha besado para despertar el fuego de la passion en mi y asi poder estar naturalmente lista para el sexo. Hay tantas cosas las cuales he is purposely not noticing or acknowledging. Y el besar es una de ellas, ya que el sabe MUY BIEN lo mucho que me encanta besarme con alguien que me atrae y quien me besa fenomenalmente. El es ese tipo de hombre que me besa deliciosamente, quien me deja deseosa de mas y mas besos. Cuando nos besamos parece que se detiene el mundo y solo existimos nosotros dos. These days that I’ve been here, I’ve only been able to smooch with him on two occasions; one of those very briefly. I feel so deprived! Que experiencia estoy viviendo. Esta sera otra mas para mi lista del “jamas y nunca.” Durante estos ultimos meses nosotros nos comunicabamos con frequencia, aun cuando el tenia su novia. Y el mismo me habia propuesto estar conmigo si a mi no me molestaba ser la otra. Luego se dejo de su novia y entonces nos comunicabamos con mas frequencia cada semana y fue cuando me invito a su casa en TX. Yo lo pense y lo pense muchisimo y finalmente decidi darle una oportunidad al destino que nos unia de nuevo luego de dos años de no vernos aunque manteniamos contacto. El ofrecio pagarme la mitad del boleto aereo. Cuando decidi ir, se lo communiqué y el estaba super alegre y ansioso por verme. At least that is what I thought! Durante estas ultimas 6 semanas el habia estado al pendiente de mi, enviando text messages diariamente o llamandome en la hora de su almuerzo o en la noche cuando ya estaba listo para dormir o antes de ducharse. Todas estas atenciones, yo ilusamente las interprete como una señal que nuestro reencuentro seria fenomenal en el sexo y que quizas algo comenzaria a formarse entre nosotros. Que tonta fui!! Tambien el hecho de que el me habia dicho que tendria que mudarse a CT o a Montreal para cosas de trabajo, pero que si se mudaba a CT que eso le daria la oportunidad de visitarme algunos fines de semanas, ya que solo estariamos como a 45 minutos de distancia. Mas cuando surgio la posibilidad de que el se mudara a FL, el volvio a mencionar que mientras yo estuviese alla durante el verano, que nos podriamos ver. Todas estas sugerencias e ideas de el, me tomaban por sorpresa ya que venian de su boca, pero me daban alas de esperanza para pensar que algo si pudiese surgir entre nosotros. Now I am severely disappointed. He changed his mind or simply DID NOT mean any of those words he said to me. And I guess I allowed his readiness and willingness to contact me everyday to get deep into my emotions to the point where I interpreted something that was never there. This is a saddening situation. Cuando alguien no te corresponde completamente porque no te ven con los mismos ojos. Y es una gran lastima porque con lo que le he notado sobre su lado romantico (which he doesn’t even realize he really has), me imagino lo fantastico que seria como novio cuando he lets himself go completely by emotions, his heart is open and there are no metal armours guarding his heart. All I am receiving right now is one-tenth of what I ever received during our positively memorable three months of unrestrained passion in CT. It was my mistake for believing in him! I wanted to show him that I was willing to try to make him fall for me, if he only gave me a chance at entering his heart. But now, the rejection, the barrier, the indifference, and the “wham boom thank you maam (i.e. no kissing),” all of that has hurt me so much that I think that I no longer wish to ask him for a chance to get to know me better as a girlfriend. I mean, these past days he has been asking me about my family, my career, school, just about everything, and I have told him all about me. I have nothing to hide. I like the fact that he is inquiring all this information about me, BUT this could be good or bad. Why? Because it could mean one of two things: he either wants to get to know me better or he is making me do all the talking so that I won’t inquire about his life. Then again, he was probably making petty conversation, in order to deflect the obvious awkwardness he sees in me, but pretends not to and won’t inquire about. On Saturday, I was sad and weepy all day long because I needed 24 hours to emotionally process the diclosure he made on the previous evening right after we had sex. That day he almost caught me wiping the tears from my eyes, but he did catch me blowing my nose. He then pretended not to notice anything strange; he didn’t ask if I had allergies or had been crying. He simply steered clear from any specifics. Yo soy una mujer que lucha por lo que quiere y lo que se propone a conseguir, pero en este caso no creo que me queden ganas de tratar de conquistar a TX guy. I always believe that where there’s a will there’s a way. But then how am I to conquer a man, who has closed himself off emotionally to me, someone who finds me attractive enough to sleep with me, but won’t view me as girlfriend material? Como debo luchar para conquistarlo si seria peor que tratar de nadar contra la corriente? Fuera distinto, si el me diese una oportunidad para demostrarle lo fenomenal que soy como novia, pero es obvio que ni siquiera un trial run me dara. –I mean, ya que su ex-novia fue la que implied una posible reconciliacion, yo pienso que el puede pedirle a ella tiempo para pensarlo. Entonces mientras el tomaria su tiempo pues me podria brindar a mi la oportunidad que he deseado desde que lo conoci en el 2002. I mean, if she waited this long to contact him to supposedly get back together, then why couldn’t she wait some more time? Que yo sepa sus dias no estan contados. It is my turn now. I want a chance to be his girlfriend. Yo fui tan cobarde y orgullosa mientras nos veiamos en CT, que nunca le pide una oportunidad, pero ahora es distinto. What do I have to loose now? Things can’t get any worse than what they have been since Friday night. By the way, was Friday night, the 13th day of the month? Because it sure felt like one of those horrid moments to be expected of a Friday the 13th. I MUST talk to him today, sin falta, we only have two nights left together. It is now or never! Yo me acuerdo como era el en CT. El era fanatico al gimnasio, seguia una dieta, estaba al pendiente de sus body mass and measurements. Tambien me acuerdo que se afeitaba la cabeza frequentemente y su facial hair. TX guy hoy dia, me cuenta que se afeita la cara y la cabeza solo una vez por semana. Mas como a casi todos nos pasa, permitio que se le incrementara la cintura. Ustedes creen que a mi me importa o me molesta estas cosas que han cambiado de el? No! Porque a el yo lo deseo TAL Y COMO ES, Y MAS AHORA QUE NUNCA. I admire the well-rounded, intelligent man that he is. I admire the fact that he is not a home body that he likes to go out and engage in some physical activity. I like the fact that he comes up with ideas of his own about things to do. I like the fact that he is not afraid to be handy around the house. He is fun to be with and very interesting to hear what he has to say, whatever that may be. In spite of the coldness that I feel from him during daytime, I know that a good man lays inside of him, and that is who I’m attracted to. We all have issues, we are not perfect, he isn’t perfect but I am attracted to him despite his flaws. I am willing to overlook those minor things which make him imperfect. And I want to know everything there is to know about him, that I don’t already know. God help me! Esto no es un capricho porque he querido una relacion con el desde que el vivia en CT. Y pense que ahora y al fin me habia llegado la oportunidad. I want a chance; I really do. Distance is irrelevant. On another note, I will have 3-day weekends all throughout summer because I will only be in class from Mondays-Thursdays...not bad, right!
Quote of the day: "Life is all about taking risks!"
Sunday, April 17, 2005 :::
Just got back from the movie theaters. He actually likes watching romantic comedies a.k.a. “girlie films.” Can you believe that? I had never met a guy, who rather watch a romantic comedy over an action packed movie. Anyways today all day long I’ve felt the cold shoulder and I fear it will get worse as my departure time draws near. It sucks because he is being a real ass towards me in a totally cordial and polite way. He is treating me like JUST an acquaintance, in other words, he has broken his offers of giving me unlimited, passionate sex night and day, which he probably used to lure me here or he simply lied about those intentions. I feel SO REJECTED that it isn’t tolerable anymore. I didn’t want us to end up this way: him acting like a cold emotionless dick and me resenting him for it. I feel like crying right now. Why this had to happen to me? Is it a punishment from God for not continuing my celibacy? He is in bed right now, hasn’t touched me all day long, wouldn’t get in the shower until I left the bathroom. What a slap in the face! And he rests in bed comfortably without a care in the world except the fact of probably hoping for Wednesday morning to finally arrive to get rid of me. We went bike riding today and he rode his bike about half a mile away from me during most of the journey, so it was as if I was riding all six miles by myself. He won’t open the car door for me, and he certainly won’t hold my hand. –Despite his disclosure, he said that we could carry on and have a great time together during my stay as we had originally intended, but he hasn’t kept his end of the deal. This morning he played some romantic music CD’s while we ate breakfast and I almost burst out into tears because the songs were INCREDIBLY romantic Spanish songs. They were beautiful! I almost lost it. This evening, I had to take a stand against a romantic comedy movie, I mean this guy wants to kill me softly with romantic songs and movies. I utterly refused the romantic comedy and suggested something else, an unknown film…after all, anything was better than something with love, romance and a happy couple living life sweetly on the big screen. I can’t deal with watching that now, while I’m living/experiencing: desafecto, desamor, etc. I didn’t have lunch today nor dinner. I am starving right now, but don’t want to go eat by myself and dwell in my loneliness. I swear that after this experience, I must join a convent, to purge my sexual appetite forever. That’s it for me and men. The ones that I set my eyes on are ALL the same deep down in their core. My picker is permanently broken. I have always known that he could be a real dick at times…not just a dick, a selfish dick. I thought that after two years he had changed, but no he is just as bad now, or worse than ever. How can someone be so emotionally removed, so cold yet show his softer side by admiring girlie films and enjoying super romantic love songs? What the hell is up with that? Why did I have to notice him and like him and fall for him? He surely doesn’t appreciate my interest nor feelings for him. He just doesn’t give a damn about it. Everyday, I try to make myself pretty and irresistible, but that is to no avail; purely useless. So sad, so sad, a damn shame that I am here under his nose and he doesn’t appreciate me, instead my presence here is taken for granted. Soy un zero a la izquierda para el. All I want to do is cry for being here as a fool, who believed him and all his luring tactics. Que buena pendeja fui. Soy una verdadera idiota. You guys know what gets me about him? The fact that he knows that there is something very wrong with me, but won’t ask me or mention it, nor anything alluding to it. How smart, he is playing the game of avoidance! I’ve been experiencing emotional highs and lows, mostly lows since the evening of his disclosure. I have cried in hiding and when I can’t cry no more because he is present, then I drown my ears in music downloaded on my computer. I play the music loudly in order to expel the downhearted and blue feelings that come over me. I’ve led him to believe that I customarily do my school work while playing the loud music. However, my reality is that music is my method of working out stresses or sadness in my life. Right now, I am experiencing such, so my only refuge is to soak my brain in loud music. There are so many things that I would like to openly tell him, but I never find the right time. What will I do? After tonight, we’ll only have two more nights “together.”
I don’t know how to act with him anymore. I haven’t showered with him and don’t know if that will happen at all. I see him and want to hold him and kiss him and just feel his body embracing mine, but now that he has given me his disclosure, I have refrained from approaching him. You people don’t know how depressing, saddening and frustrating, it is to have someone in front of you, who you are extremely attracted to in all the aspects: physical, mental and personal, that you can’t touch basically, until they initiate something to clue you in that it is okay to touch now because we are going to have sex shortly thereafter. It is like he is running the show. He controls the situation and exactly what goes down and when it occurs. Right now, I am simply going along with his imposed rules of the “game.” This reunion definitely didn’t go as planned. I expected getting a lot of physical contact. You know, not be able to keep our hands off each other. Unfortunately, my touches to him are restricted and that sucks sooooo much!!!! Damn it, how can things get so fucked up for me!!!! It isn’t fair at all. I am being deprived of affection from a man, who claims to care for me and enjoy fucking me. Is six nights too much to ask for? I tell you, it just sucks to be me!!! I haven’t even been able to be my real, normal self after his disclosure. I am usually so playful, very hands on, seductive, full of passion, but because of the limitations, I feel awkward to do anything in fear of his rejection. I’m sure that he has noticed, but prefers not ask me about it. Yesterday, to top things off, he showed me pictures of this 40 something year old woman that looks like she could be the mom of two kids aged six and younger. I wasn’t impressed at all. And if she was hot, I would be the first to say so because I don’t bullshit. I say things exactly as I see them. Anyhow, I looked at her and asked myself what does he see in her? I mean, young guys seem to forget that just because an older woman is tolerably attractive now, it sure as hell doesn’t mean that in ten years when she is starting to receive membership literature from the AARP, has her onset of menopause, and her body and face aren’t spiffy anymore, yet the guy is still looking sharply in his prime years, that he will still view her as tolerably attractive as when he first met her. He should have never showed me the photo. What a dilemma! I am the only person that I know that shit like this would happen to. What is the matter with me? I pick the wrong men!!! When will this stop? This guy is so great in many ways, but doesn’t want me for anything other than a bootycall. He doesn’t want me as a girlfriend. Why not? This is what I am trying to understand, but can’t come up with any reasons why he won’t view me as a potential girlfriend. What doesn’t he like about me, in order to ban me from the potential girlfriend category. No entiendo. Cada vez que me enfrento a esta realidad que vivo durante estos dias aqui me entristece y me deprime. Todos los dias me quedo observandolo y miles de pensamientos bonitos de admiracion hacia el corren por mi cabeza. Pero debo parar de admirarlo tanto porque me duele el saber que nunca sera mio aunque lo tenga fisicamente aqui ahora. Siento que lo mas que lo miro, mas me regresan los sentimiento que tuve por el en el pasado…como si me estuviese enamorando de nuevo, de un amor imposible y eso duele mucho. Por ahora decidi quedarme con el durante el tiempo que me resta aqui en TX. Mi amiga me ofrecio alojamiento si lo precindia. Sere masoquista? Quedarme con un hombre que me tiene limitado el contacto fisico, un hombre que piensa regresar con su ex-novia, un hombre que nunca me ha visto con ojos de pareja sino de lujuria, y un hombre que me dijo que un nuevo reencuentro entre nosotros nunca ocurrira. Pero ya estoy aqui y no quiero alejarme de el hasta que me llegue el dia de partir. El poquito de contacto fisico que me permite cuando vamos a tener sexo, me conforma un poco porque me alegra tocarlo y sentir el calor de su cuerpo junto a mi. Si, esto suena como una estupidez mia decir eso porque no hay ninguna razon por la cual yo debo comformarme con tan poco pero que mas da. Mas no entiendo porque el incinuo que le remoldia la conciencia el estar conmigo ahora que su ex lo contacto, I mean, el antes de dejar a su novia me habia sugerido un encuentro romantico, as long as I had no problems with the fact that he had a girlfriend. So, que pasa ahora? Porque ahora que no tiene novia, he supposedly feels guilty? I wish he understood that the reason I remained in contact with him throughout these years was because I still thought about him, tried to compare others to him, and because I was hoping that someday we would have a chance at love. What a shame, it was ONLY me thinking about such!!!! I wish I could muster the guts to tell him exactly how I feel. Why is it so wrong to give me a chance?
Saturday, April 16, 2005 :::
Hi fellow bloggers, How are you guys doing? It’s been a while. I have been so busy with school, but things are starting to wind down; thank God! I now write to you from TX. I am here for a romantic reunion with a former lover. However things don’t always go as planned. What I mean to say is that I should never forget the line from the movie Indecent Proposal when Demi Moore said to Robert Redford “From where we began, we’ve got nowhere to go.” Unfortunately, I forgot about that line within the communications leading to my reunion/bootycall or whatever you guys wish to call, with TX guy. Now, I feel somewhat downhearted, blue, awkward, stupid, etc. I should have known that my usual scenario with men is that I am only wanted for sexual performance. I know that I’ve said this before but I need to say it again, “I am so tired of being looked upon as a sexpot, as if I carry a sign over me saying “check me out I’m a great lay!” Why do I lay my eyes on men, who are totally not emotionally available to me, me and me? It sucks to be me. I have beauty, body and brains…the three b’s, but what the hell is that good for? Not a damn thing!!!! I feel like a dumbass to think otherwise, that perhaps in this escape we would actually have the start of something to slowly continue into a relationship. But that won’t be the case. Nope, not a chance. He only views me as the former bootycall girl. I don’t like to continue to be seen as that term or role, but I guess it goes well with what my role is right here, right now. It is just like that movie’s line…we’ve got no where to go from how we started. –But tell me, if it has worked for other people, then why shouldn’t it work for me? Naïve me thought/hoped for something more. What an idiot! When will I learn? I wish I didn’t have moral values that prevent me from engaging in meaningless sex with anyone who turned me on. BUT I do and that is my problem. I attribute much of the physical act of sex with mental/emotional sex, so I cannot just give myself, soul and body to anybody for a 10-minute sexual interlude. Anyhow, I just tried to get a hold of three of my best friends, and ended up talking to their answering machines. I even cried a little on two of those machines. I really couldn’t help it. I had to take advantage that TX guy went to the store; otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to openly allow myself to become sentimental. I hate that about me…I contain my sentimental feelings both verbally or tear-wise. I hate to show my vulnerability. I hate to show that I am hurt. I hate to show that my sentimental side/my emotions have gotten in the way and that now, once again my heart is disappointed. TX guy told me that he will most likely reconcile with his ex-girlfriend within the next 30-60 days, whenever they meet up. He claims to miss her. But doesn’t have the certainty that he loves her now, although he didn’t love her when they were an actual couple. He attributes it to wanting something back once it is gone. I don’t know what to make of that. I mean, I believe that alike all men aged 45 and under, he just doesn’t have a clue about what he really wants. I do appreciate his honesty or disclaimer whatever you guys wish to call his disclosure. But it was painful, VERY painful to hear. It happened right before dinner and I, of course lost my appetite. But I was quite strong this time because usually when I hear unpleasant news, I become instantaneously sick in my stomach, but it didn’t happen on this occasion. He asked me to say something after he was done, but I had nothing to say. What was I going to say to what he just told me?? My worst nightmare had just come true! I was silenced by my own shock from what I had just heard. I fell for him back in summer 2002, when we had three blissful months of intense unbarred, unrestraint passion. I had NEVER in my life experience that. I viewed him as having a different personal flair about him. I still don’t know what it is, but it still attracts me. He is educated, tall, handsome, well versed, responsible worker, family-oriented, cat-lover, metrosexual, passionately intense and has a hearty sexual appetite. He is mature, at least for every other aspect of life except relationships. I don’t know how I ended up so hooked on him. I mean, I had NEVER in my life imagined being with a bald-headed man. Not me, especially since before him, I used to revere being able to run my fingers through a man’s head. I don’t care for any other baldheaded men…I still revere nice, straight hair. However, TX guy just won me over so well with his personality. He simply stood out from the rest by his personality and the way he carried himself! How can he not realize that my visit was to spend time with him intimately and to hopefully try to get to his heart? How can he at his age not realize that for most women the act of sex is as much physical as emotional? I mean, I am single and he is single, so why not? I thought that I might have stood a chance with him. I didn’t come all the way to TX to get laid. It would have been cheaper for me to stay in New England and just allow one of my many suitors to get what they all die for; however I AM NOT LIKE THAT!!! I came to TX because my old feelings for him were sparking up again. I wanted to see if he’d finally give me the chance that I never got in CT because he was scheduled to move away shortly after our affair began. I feel jipped, over and over again. Why must he consider going back with his ex, when I’ve wanted a chance to be his girlfriend for the LONGEST time? Why not me? A trial run, a chance at showing him my girlfriend role. Damn it, I am the complete package: loving, affectionate, caring, attentive, playful, family oriented, honest, loyal, mature, like physical activity (bowling, canoeing, cycling, tennis, billiards, swimming, speed walking, fishing, camping, dancing), hate drama and have body, beauty, brains, good moral values and Christian principles. What more can a man ask for? I am here now and except for when we are being intimate, TX guy carries a metal armour impermeable to interior and exterior emotions. He is keeping himself at the side lines, emotionally uninvolved, which in turn kind of makes me feel like a call girl since he paid half of my airfare to come here. How convenient for him, a healthy and clean call girl!
Quote of the day: "Life is a box of chocolate...you never know what you are going to get"
How are you? I am well, but procrastinating my continuance on my midterm due Monday. This is not good at all because I MUST get it done!!! Anyhow, now that I'm back in Boston, I am happy again. This past week was very nice and sunny. Spring is arriving slowly but surely. The Harvard's crew team is out and about rowing on the Charles river. I'm glad to have snapped out of that nonsense nostalgia that I felt during my last days in FL. Now, that I returned to reality and am able to smell the roses once again, everything is back to normal. With this, I particularly mean that I don't have my temporary blinders on again with respect to Firefighter. I see him for what he has always been, a boy trapped in a man's body. Someone, who at least clearly realizes that he is not ready to belong to a committed relationship. I guess that is one of his strengths...self-realization.
Okay, I will be flying to TX for a week's vacation during the middle of next month. I'm a little hesitant about it, now that I have purchased my ticket. I will be visiting friends over there, and have a couple of final papers to crunch out. I will be very busy during that time because the semester is almost over.
Well, I should get going now and deal with the present, my midterm.
Sunday, March 13, 2005 :::
Okay, good afternoon bloggers.
I am currently writing from my flight back to Boston from my spring break vacation to FL. Damn the fact that it is already over!! Why can’t we have long vacations, at least 4 weeks long. Is that so wrong?? Anyhow, I did nothing during my vacation other than stay up in my room and write a midterm paper for my clinical class. I thought that during this past week, I’d have time to compose 3 of my midterm papers, but NOPE, that did not happen, I wasn’t even close. I didn’t even finish the first paper completely…I still have to finish adding the work cited page. My friends are probably pissed at me for not meeting up with them while down in FL. I hope they understand. I will have to send them an e-mail to reiterate the fact that I was busy with school work. However, I must forever keep to myself the fact that I did meet up with Firefighter guy on Saturday night before I left. YES, I actually did!!! What a miracle! He came to pick me up at my parents’ house, and from there we went to eat dinner at the Outback. Now, I don’t know what is going on with my appetite lately, but I haven’t been eating all my food at the restaurants that I’ve visited while on dates. Could it be nervousness??? I kind of feel bad about leaving half of my food in the plate, especially when I’m not paying for my food. Well, my date with Firefighter was good. We had not seen each other since about a year and three months. I kept on looking at his face while he spoke to me to see if I viewed him differently, but nah, he appeared to be exactly the same. I guess I wanted to find an excuse to stop wanting to see him, but I didn’t find one. Despite his defects of not being available to girls as easily as he is available to his bosom buddies, I admire his intellectual intelligence and his ambition. I’ve always been attracted to the man he was 13 years ago, the man he has grown into, as well as the man he hopes to become in the future. I presume that he won’t settle down with any woman until he has satisfied his career ambition, and that is funny because I kind of see myself holding out to do the same. I think that I would not be happy getting married without finishing my career goals, just because I would feel incomplete and underachieved, and wouldn’t want to neglect my husband by focusing primarily on my studies. Okay, the reality right now is that despite the nice date that I had with Firefighter, he is seeing someone. He met her around August and they are still a couple. What kind of couple are they??? Well, the kind where the guy secretively meets up with a former lover, and the kind where the guy claims to still not feel ready to be in a relationship. People will ask me why I’m okay with that situation. I’m okay with it because he is not engaged or married and because I’ve known him for 13 years and I had him first, even though that was in the past. Firefighter is very gentle, attentive and seductive during intimacy. My intimate times with him have been memorable. I love the way he feels and the way he makes me feel. I miss that. Our last time together was back in fall of 2002. I really did want to have him again this time around, but it didn’t pan out that way. I was very upset about it, but by the time he came to my door to pick me up, I had forgotten all about it. After dinner, we parked in front of my parents’ house and talked for an hour, and then made out. Damn, I wanted him so badly!! BUT, not in front of my folks house UNLESS the vehicle’s glass was tinted somewhere around the mid 80’s. Anyhow, I was too conscious of where we were, and felt totally uncomfortable while trying to fool around in the car. I hope he didn’t perceive it as a rejection to his advances. I mean, it’s not as if we hadn’t seriously fooled around in a car before because we have, although that was almost ten years ago AND it was at an empty public parking lot. Today, I regret not having had allowed myself to enjoy once again the temporary pleasure of seriously fooling around with Firefighter. The years continue to go by and I can’t shake Firefighter out of my head. Why?? I don’t know. I think I’ve been asking myself the same question for the past 13 years. You see, he is the man, who I’ve known and been attracted to for the longest time. The only way he would ever be removed from my head would be immediately after he became an engaged or married man, but until that day arrives, he will continue to be a permanent fixture on my mind. The other night, I was asked by one of my best friends, to how many men I had said I love you? It so happens that I have said I love you to two men in my lifetime, AND Firefighter happened to be one of the two. Perhaps, that is another of the various reasons why I can’t purge him out of my head. I don’t know. However, I DO know that whenever I see him, I usually become flooded with thoughts of wanting to be near him…you know, live once again in the same state within proximity from him. The problem with that idea is that from past experience, I know that it wouldn’t make a difference to him to have me living close by because he is always too busy to go out on a date, especially now more than ever. So, even if I still lived close by to him, I would not have ANY guarantees of seeing him at least once a month. In any case, our dates would be every other month (if I was lucky), but most likely every three or six months. ---YES, I know that is pretty sad, but that is exactly how he is.
How are you? I'm writing from FL. I'm just beginning my spring break week, but no beach parties for me, instead what awaits me is piles of articles and textbooks for the 4 midterms I need to crunch out this week, that are shortly due after my return to Boston.
Anyhow, what can I say, I've noticed how different an average day for me feels when I have a potential suitor. I don't know why this is, but I can definitely recognize the difference. It is like a feeling of completeness. Now, I do not want to sound corny like the infamous line from Jerry Maguire, "You complete me," but I'm beginning to wonder if there's some truth to that. I mean, I carry on my life in a normal way being super occupied with school and work and everything else that pertains to those and to me it feels normal. You know, the average hustle and the bustle; however, when I have a suitor in the midst and I dig him, the average day becomes one where I feel incredibly fierce and invinsible. I don't know why, but it feels that way. I normally am charged daily with plenty of strength and empowerment, but when I'm being pursuited by someone I like, that empowerment and strength is raised to the infinity power. I must admit, I LOVE that feeling of super human omnipotence. I DO!!! Who wouldn't? Too bad this doesn't ocurr often, at least not to me.
Anyhow, I have remained an acquaintance of NYC guy, but he's a workaholic so our status won't change. To further update you on the rest of the Match.com guys: the older guy wishes to meet me, as well as one of the guys around my age. They are not being pushy at all. It's been a month since I've been speaking to them via e-mail and they're still ok with allowing me time to be ready to speak to them over the telephone. Am I ready yet? Nope, I don't think so. I probably rather meet them in person and then after the date, decide if I wish to have telephone conversations with them.
I feel so resistant to male advances. I feel like I don't want to bother with or put up with the bullshit that men usually put women through. Have I become jaded beyond correction? Am I now overly cynical and pessimistic with regards to male relationships? Sometimes I wonder. I think there is a big part of me in the pessimistic side and a diminishing small part of me attempting to hold on to hope that someday I will be a part of a happy, healthy and loving relationship. Meanwhile, my loves are myself, my family, Baby Jay, and my education.
Well, now that I am in town, my friends all wish to see me before I go back to Boston. This list of friends includes the firefighter. Yes, he called me yesterday. Will I see him this time around? I don't know.
By the way, since Friday, I've been doing more therapy while on the road than what I do at my internship. Basically, while I was flying to FL from MA, I found myself doing two therapy sessions: one on my flight from MA to GA, then another on my flight from GA to FL. When I arrived at FL, I told my parents that it was the last time I told people sitting next to me on a plane what I am majoring in at grad school. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing therapy because I love to help people, but on my off time, at night time and under a pressurized cabin, I wasn't interested in holding any therapy sessions, all I wanted to do was close my eyes and rest a bit from a day I had started at 5 a.m. Then the next day, I still found myself doing therapy work with my family. Now, that I am the therapist in the family, such duties are expected from me. Wow! Too bad that I can't give myself advise because it isn't as effective as hearing it from someone else, that's why I tap into several of my opiniated friends to help me out when I require different perspectives from whatever I have thought.
Oh by the way, I have already been hired for my second year internship. As of September, I will be doing psychotherapy at an Outpatient Psychiatric unit in a local hospital. I am SO HAPPY and EXCITED about this great learning opportunity and the fact that I will be in the very professional setting of a hospital. Hip hip HOORAY!!!! I've been Blessed!!
Okay, I am hungry so i got to go. Talk to you soon.
I just thought you all would like to know that the NYC guy blew any chance he was supposed to get from me. Yesterday, on Valentine's day, this moron did not call me or send me an e-mail to wish me a Happy Valentine's day. --His ass is grass!
If a man demonstrates an interest in seeing me and getting to know me better, yet totally disregards doing a small detail such as calling or e-mailing me on that special day, then he is NOT the man for me. I LOVE men who are detailed with their women. Men, who know how to court a woman. Celebrating Valentine's day is a definite part of courtship. ---Gosh, what the hell has happened to chivalry, traditional courtship; what the hell has happened to men now a days???? I am utterly repulsed! It seems that men out there, regardless of age, are ALL jerks!!!!! Enough is enough, I should "throw in the towel."
Monday, February 14, 2005 :::
Happy Valentine's Day!
Hope that those of you fortunate enough to have a sweetheart are enjoying yourselves this special day. And to those of you like me without someone, be creative! By this I mean, celebrate by yourselves. Right now, I'm roasting a Perdue chicken in the oven, I also have candles lighting up my place and have essential oils aromatizing my studio apartment. Happy Valentine's Day to me, myself and I.
Well, I was in NYC this past weekend. I went there to meet up with a Match.com guy I'd spoken to for the entire week prior. Okay, so the guy behaved normal, he looked exactly like his photo, he is a big time metrosexual, and has a nice voice. He is well off, isn't cheap, definitely a sharp dresser (all the time--never wears jeans), and seems intelligent and ambitious. We spent all of Saturday together (2 dates with each other on the same day). --I guess things are good if you both agree to see each other twice in the same day. Anyhow, he is very much the gentleman. Okay, to make a long story short, at the end of the night, we made out...of course, he initiated, I merely followed. All was well until we kissed... Yes, his skills for kissing every part of the body is FANTASTICALLY appropriate. HOWEVER, when he kissed my mouth that's when I said to myself, "Houston, we've got a problem!!" Honestly, I didn't know what was going on. I had NEVER EVER, EVER been kissed that way. I was confused/weirded out. I did try to slow down his motion, something, but it didn't work. I was obviously not responding to him accordingly, but it seemed that he didn't want to interrupt his action, in order to ask me what was NOT going on. For some reason these 31 years of life, I've always thought there was a definite/conventional/socially acceptable way to kiss somebody. But I guess I was SUPER wrong. Hmmm? Upon time to go home, I couldn't hold back to ask him if he always kissed that way. I told him that he was all up in there just about gobbling me up (except in reality it was his tongue that he continued to try to shove all the way in my mouth; so basically i had no room to move my tongue anywhere because his occupied the entire space in my mouth). Can you imagine having Gene Simmons from KISS french kiss you that way...well, that's how I freaking felt that night. --Honestly, it even repulsed me somewhat. I kept on trying to leave, but he didn't want to let me go. So on Sunday, I was debating over whether or not I would see this guy again. I was really confused, full of mixed emotions, so I called my best friend T from CT. He is my confidant, a great listener and gives me unbiased advise and suggestions. So I told T about my dilemma. T then told me that because I like many things from this guy, that I should give it a second chance. He told me that alike sexual intercourse, couples can instruct each other on what they like or dislike about the act of kissing. All in all, I decided to give the guy a chance. After all, I was very reluctant, skeptical, distrusting about the meeting this weekend. And now that most of it went well, I think I am looking for excuses to sabotage what could perhaps turn out to be a good thing. Why? Because I too, am VERY, VERY AFRAID of a serious commitment. I don't even know if I'm ready for it. ---Shit, the idea of playing around with the young ones around here had started seeming so convenient...no strings attached. Now, I've got this guy, who is financially stable and claims to be ready for a serious relationship that acording to him will hopefully lead to marriage. The last time I was afraid of a guy's expectations of me, after my mom helped me get over my temporary phobia of commitment and told me to just give the guy a try, I ended up in a serious relationship for about 3 years. Seriously, I am scared of being known as someone's girlfriend, AND have to own up to saying I have a boyfriend. It freaks me out.
I plan to give this guy a chance, so we will see what happens from here on.
Quote of the Day: Shed the fear, step into the unknown!
Hope all of you are well.
Okay, Valentine's Day is fast approaching. Yes, that is just another day to rub in the face of those of us, who don't have a special someone(s) in our lives to share it with. Nice, as if we hadn't suffered enough from New Year's Eve a little over a month ago!!!
Okay, so lately I've been chatting with a few guys via e-mail. I never met them, and I'm not sure I want to, even though I've seen their so-called photos. It's funny how I can distinguish a guy who's looking for a relationship from one who simply wants to get laid right away, just by noticing how fast he suggests we go away together for a weekend, or how fast he brings up sexually compromising dates, and concentrates on talking about my body. ---Those are the men, I plan to stay away from. They are scary to me. A man who immediately shows that the only thing they have in their mind is sex is a total turn-off to me. I mean, please be strategic, use your brain, at least hold your true intentions back until you've gone out with the person a few times.
Anyhow, out of 8 guys that I've been chatting with, here are the results of my impressions about them. These were based on a pass/fail system.
Candidate #1: A momma's boy, only child, hates crowds hence big cities, and seems to be lying about his occupation. Score: Failed
Candidate #2: Has a crew cut (reminds me of the military gym teacher that appeared on Beavis and Butthead cartoon. He used to repeatedly asks the boys, "kick me in the jimmy!!!") He asked to meet me too soon for my comfort zone. Score: Failed
Candidate #3: Older man, looking to get laid quickly, gave me two phone numbers to contact him from his initial email, and has repeatedly suggested for us to chat on the phone. Score: Failed
Candidate #4: Older man, seems way too wired on his e-mails, noticeable desperation. Score: Failed
Candidate #5, 6, 7: Guys e-mailing me without noticeable desperation, comfortable at composing "getting to know you" e-mails. Score: Pass
Candidate #8: A guy who's HOT, HOT, HOT, e-mailing me without noticeable desperation, comfortable at composing "getting to know you" e-mails. Score: Pass
Recently, I realized that I have a crush on my Italian friend. We met and befriended each other in FL, while I was on a temporary job assignment at the company he works for. Except, he normally works at the headquarters in Italy, not at the FL branch. He visits the FL branch randomly, on a per technical issue basis. While he was in FL, I flirted with him discreetly; however, he is a shy guy, so unless I sat on his lap, he wouldn't have noticed my flirtation. Anyhow, we've been chatting via IM almost on a daily basis since he returned to Italy. We talk about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING including crushes, heartbreaks, sadness, difficulties, etc. We give each other advise and encouragement. ---This is an awesome friendship!!! Plus the fact that I find him handsome and he finds me attractive, is an added bonus. However, our only hinderance is the thousands of miles that keep us away.
I have known him since mid July and to now realize my feelings for him have developed, SUCKS!!! Again, because of the distance factor.
He is so sweet, sensitive and a true gentleman. Mmm, damn! Why can't I find that here???
He is my long distance best friend. I already have enough frequent flier miles to take a free trip to Italy, but what stops me from doing so is my PACKED and HECTIC scholastic schedule.
Then again, let's analyze this potential trip...
What the hell will I gain by going over there, now that I know how I feel about him? I'd be setting myself up for SURE HEARTBREAK because if we were to become close during my 2-3 weeks vacation there, I will still need to return back to my reality back in the U.S. I don't believe in long distance relationships, I mean get real!! That would be a real long distance relationship and what good is that to have someone, who you can't be with at any time; someone, who you need a passport to visit?
So I should just put my feelings in a box and simply store them away like an antique trinket you delicately save.
Now, on another note, I recently found out who the hell was Mr. Pervert caller...or at least where the calls were coming from. Yes, because I became so frustrated with the continued calls, that I involved my cellphone company and the local authorities to conduct a trace on the calls. AND TO MY SURPRISE, the calls came from my childhood friend's house in Texas. How is that for a whopper! Yes, so now what I'm not certain of is whether it was her boyfriend, her boyfriend's teenaged son or if my friend aided and abbeted the entire thing?
I payed $20 for the call trace, in order to have peace of mind and be sure that it wasn't one of the guys that I had recently dated. I am at ease that it came from her house, but as much as I dwell on the thought of how annoyed I'd been over the past month, I can't believe my friend would still be so immature to prank me that way (assuming she was involved).
Ay caramba! That's how the cookie crumbles.
Okay, I think that is enough for now. I am starving!
Quote of the day: What are you afraid of? Take a chance...you only live once!!
I decided to update right now, even though I've only been awake for the past half hour. Geez, I feel like my vision is still somewhat blurry.
Well, Neighbor Boy will simply remain my neighbor. As expected, the weekend in L.A. which was extended because of the snowed-in northeast, ended up being like a short honeymoon for him. So he tells me that now, he has begun a new relationship and that he is confused as to what he should do about me. I simply told him that I didn't care what happened either way, that I was game for whatever. --That's how the cookie crumbles!
Now let's talk Match.com. It amazes me to find that so many people are into internet dating sites such as this one. My gosh, all the stigmas related to internet dating sites seem to fade every time I meet someone, who actively subscribes to such service. It just seems to me that our world today is FULL of lonely people. Yet people keep this fact a secret because they are embarrassed or do not want to be perceived by others as weak or vulnerable.
I've tried this type of service myself, but every time I see a good looking, or hot guy's profile, which are not common; I quickly think, "What is wrong with his persona? Is he damaged goods?" Then I catch myself being overly critical about all of the negative reasons why such a man would need to be on an internet dating service. So, I go back and correct my way of thinking, especially since I, myself have been a subscriber of such service in the past. In other words, I could not be hypocritical and not address the question to myself. --This usually puts me in my place, and then I'm willing to give these good looking/hot guys the benefit of the doubt on why they are subscribers.
Everyone has a reason(s) for deciding to join an internet dating service: there are the people who do it to get laid quickly by any agreeing party, there are the people who have difficulties approaching the opposite sex in person to strike up a conversation, there are people who have bad luck meeting worthy dates via conventional methods, there are people who want to date as a sport, there are the people looking for a spouse, and there are the psychos looking for prey.
Today, it is very common for people to be steadily dating others, who do not meet their physical, sexual and/or personality requirements. In other words, these people are settling for less, in order to have guaranteed sexual encounters. I've met so many people in such situations, but I still do not comprehend what's it worth? I could never see myself living such situation. No way! If a guy falls short of meeting my sexual needs, then his ass is grass. I won't compromise on any part of such needs. Plus, if a guy's looks or personality is not appealing to me, then we won't go beyond an acquaintance status.
I have asked people settling for such situations, why they stay? The common answer was the readily available sex regardless of how dull it may be or how average or below average looking their partner was. Some said that they were afraid to be alone and go back out into the dating scene. Others implied that their self esteem was not up to par to let go of the certain and venture into the gamble.
---I rather be alone! Besides, I LOVE TO GAMBLE!! It's the best adrenaline rush one can get..."to rise victoriously or to crash and burn." It takes a strong person to get up, rising like a Phoenix and try again.
Okay, on another subject: school might prove to be easier this semester if I start taking care of business (i.e., midterm and final papers) WAY BEFORE business is due. This is my plan, athough I think it would be a good idea to get myself a board where I could write such message to remind myself everyday of what I need to be doing on a daily basis. Furthermore, I already began applying for admission for Summer term courses back in FL. Yes, summer in FL is UNBEARABLE, but that's the only place I can lodge for free while I attend school at no more than $99 per course credit. During summer school, I will take some of the usual nursing school prerequisite courses. Then once the term is over, I will soon take the GRE, so that I can submit my nursing school applications by the end of October. As you can read, my agenda is packed for the next 12 months. I love being so focused on what I want out of my career. I am now working on obtaining my Masters degree in Clinical Social Work with a specialty in Family Therapy, and later I plan to be concentrate in becoming a Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner, which allows me to continue to provide therapeutic interventions to my patients with the added bonus of legally being able to prescribe them medication. When all is done, I see myself practicing my profession in a NYC hospital.
Monday, January 24, 2005 :::
HOORAY FOR SNOW DAYS!!!!
Yes! What a relief...no school tomorrow! I'm happy because it gives me an additional 18 hours to get a ton of paperwork done by Wednesday of this week. I'd thought that I would finish it by Sunday night, but of course that wasn't the case. Doing school work and housework doesn't mix. Anyhow, thank God for the snow day.
Well, school is off to a hectic and busy start. I still struggle with finding more hours in a day to stuff as many required tasks into it as I could.
On a personal note, this past Thursday I worshiped the Porcelain God for the second time in my life. It was brief, but embarrassing. I had gone out on a date with Neighbor Boy. We went to Les Zygomates, a live jazz lounge/restaurant. The band was great, plus there was a special jam session that night by a Chicago blues singer. It was great! My date and I drank a bottle of red wine. I can't remember if it was a pinot noir or a merlot, but I do remember it was from South Africa. Anyhow, after good conversation and finishing the bottle, we each had a regular drink. He asked for a scotch, then I thought, "humm, I should keep up" so STUPID me asked for a cognac. So when he finished his drink, I had finished half of mine and my head was already spinning. I noticed that the bartender had given me almost a double shot of cognac. Now what was up with that? I prefer bartenders stick to the regular 3 oz. shot. Anyhow, as soon as my feet touched the ground once my ass was off of the barstool, I knew I was in trouble. --I wasn't wrong at all because as soon as I took the first step forward, I realized my equilibrium was shot to hell. I had to alert my date and ask him to guide me out of the establishment. Talk about showing vulnerability...damn it, and this was our third date. THAT SUCKED!!
So I am lead gently to the coat check area. By then, the coat check girl had already left for the night, so Neighbor Boy fetched these himself. When he began to assist me with my coat, I decide to visit the restroom right across from us. To my detriment, upon entering the restroom, I look at the floor and of course the pattern on the tiled floor is that similar to a black and white checkered board. --Oh my gosh, I swear to you that friggin' floor looked like it was dancing beneath me. I immediately stopped looking at the damn floor.
Once out of there, we hailed a cab and came home. By the way, I lost one of my leather gloves in the cab. Urgh!
Once in my apartment, I took off my coat and my lace mock cardigan. I then gave him a gift that I had purchased for him while in FL. Just a little thank you for the good times he had shown me, regardless of the "old" stereotyping remark.
He opened the gift which I had boxed in a makeshift cylindrical Victoria's Secret box. --I am very creative, and the box truly looked authentic in shape. Anyhow, he immediately thought that I had presented him with something from Victoria's Secret...that was very funny. Once he opened the gift, he was pleasantly surprised. I was happy to bring satisfaction. Then he thanked me verbally, approached me and kissed me. --Ooh yes! He kissed me and pressed me against my refrigerator. I LOVED IT! However, "Houston, we got a problem."
YES, a BIG problem!! Our kiss, the one thing I had looked forward to since he picked me up at my door, did not last anything over 7 seconds. WHY? Because I suddenly felt nauseous. The mixing of the wine with cognac f*** me up BIG TIME!!! Plus I hadn't had dinner that evening.
This is definitely the MOST embarrassing moment in my life thus far. --I mean, I had to stop the kiss, hold a hand to my mouth as I said "oh my god," then he asked me was I going to be sick, and I replied "yes," as I made him aside and rushed into the bathroom. Next thing I know, I was on my knees in front of the toilet, holding my hair back. Then I hear him immediately say, "do you want me to leave you alone and give you some privacy?" I think I heard him say this a total of three times, even when I had already answered yes by the second time, and had made hand gestures with my free hand for him to go. Okay, so I hurled. I don't know if he witnessed the first splash, but I then quickly heard the door close. So I am in the bathroom hurling, but without making any hurling noises. I was silent because the stomach was propelling everything by itself...I just opened my mouth and let it out.
My hurling was brief...about three good propulsions and that was it. So I wipe and fall back into a sitting position. Then I just start thinking of how embarrassing that incident had been. Yet, the more I thought about it, the more humorous I found the incident. I even began to giggle a bit as I sat on the floor. Finally, I stand up and open the bathroom door and who do I find? Neighbor Boy. He never left my apartment, he had simply closed the bathroom door. Anyhow, he greeted me with a glass of water and asked me if I was okay. I said yes, and I apologized for his witnessing my sudden ailment. He told me not to worry about it because stuff like that happens. Anyways, then he said he'd get going and told me that he'd kiss my cheek. I looked at him with a smile and told him that I didn't blame him.
That's all folks! This was how I ruined my own evening on Thursday. Damn, that sucks!
Anyhow, just recently Neighbor Boy and I decided to hang out more often because we both declared how we enjoy each other's company. And since we have agreed to a "no full-out relationship at the moment" per his request. And I accepted; I mean what the hell, I'm not planning to join a convent, so why should I continue to save myself. Shit, life is going to continue to pass me by, if I continue to stick to such self-limitations. I need to allow myself to have some fun, be it temporary or whatever.
Right now, Neighbor Boy is stuck in Los Angeles because of the cancellation of flights back to Boston. What was he doing over there? Easy; he told me on Thursday night that he was going to visit a girl that he'd met some time ago in Israel (so chances are high that she was born Jewish). Anyhow, he told me that ever since, they have been in touch via e-mail and instant messenger, so he finally decided to pay her a visit now that she has been residing in L.A. for quite a while.
Okay, I am an adult, and as such I don't require an explanation of what this trip will consist of, since when I asked him what plans he had while over there, he said that he didn't know because she hadn't mentioned any. --Can all of you now pinpoint what this trip is really about? Yes, BOOTY CALL, and since he can very well afford to fly all the way to the West coast in order to get some ass, he does!
Do I care; does this bother me??? NOPE! Not at all because I had already figured him out from our first two dates, so I'm not surprised at all. Plus, he is NOT my boyfriend or lover, we are presently nothing. All we are is a pending project. What he does now doesn't concern me, nor what he does later because as long as both parties are playing such game then all is fair.
Oh my, it is time to catch some Zzzz, so that I can finish my paperwork tomorrow.
Quote of the day: What is good for the goose, has always been good for the gander!
